I come from a fairly large family composed of five girls, and let me tell you things would go "missing" quite often in the household! Though, this doesn't speak for the financial struggles associated with a single mother trying her best to raise a family on a low income. The fact that we were girls certainly didn't stop us from eating like growing teenage boys, which financially speaking obviously didn't help. We learned to live with the bare minimum and everything else was considered a luxury, thus we all had to get a job and work for it. Today I wonder if these absences and experiences have anything to do with mt stress level, depression and anxiety. Despite of it all, I was a very happy child and left lucky to have such a wonderful family and a roof over our heads. I was filled with hopes and dreams, hope that one day things would all make sense and fall into place, or in other words. I'd finally wake up from this dream.
I never really stressed over much. and always looked on the bright side on things. Not that I understood what those dark roads meant, but I knew very well that worrying wouldn't help anything, and I made sure to express that to everyone around me. I was that middle child who never sweated the small things, and was soon named the "Zen" one of the five.
Personally, I've always been a master at day-dreaming; my mother would constantly remind me to get out of the clouds, however I'd prefer playing other scenarios in my head over my reality. That was me at home. Though, school was different. For popularity reasons I didn't fit in very well so I soon saw myself as different, weird, or plain "not normal", when comparing myself to others. However I didn't feel the need to be accepted or understood by schoolmates or kids from my neighborhood, and in fact I truly enjoyed being on my own, because this way I would avoid dealing with other's expectations of me. I was able to just "be me" and not really care about my reputation. But there was one major problem, which was that I would keep to myself and forget to associate with others, thus, I would keep everything inside. As a child, I couldn't understand the consequences from not expressing myself; my worries, your troubles, my opinions and emotions, brief, what I expected from others and what I wanted in life. It was only in my early twenties when "things got a bit sour", I think I was beginning a depression.
What is depression? Please allow me to go back and explain in my own words:
First, nothing mattered, nothing to look forward to and nothing would excite me anymore. Everyone around me would seem happy but me, and I couldn't understand how they could possibly be happy, walk with confidence and even smile. There seemed to be a huge gap between my world and their worlds. My world was dark and theirs didn't seem right either, because nothing felt right... nothing.
Of course, getting up in the morning was very uncomfortable and obviously had no point to it. The minute I'd wake up my entire body would hurt and I couldn't stop or prevent it even if I wanted to. I'd stay up until sunrise and yet I would accomplish absolutely nothing. I was completely lost, with no drive whatsoever, no ambition, no idea how to get myself out of it; if I would requite external help or I carry the weight on my own. It was nothing compared to what I had ever experienced, much darker and scarier, more life death, like a walking zombie lost in an unknown world. My dreams which once felt doable now left unrealistic, and even my life was uncertain.
I felt the need to distance myself from my friends and family so that they wouldn't feel the mental and physical pain I was in. I isolate and question everything; my existence, anyone's existence for that matter, and the meaning of life. My self-confidence and self-esteem were non-existent. I would even ask myself why would anyone want to be confident? That's just egotistic... and what's the point of living?
Seeing people happy would irritate me and only get on my nerves. I simply could not relay with no one. I would lose patience over meaningless things. My mind would constantly wonder from left and right, and mostly scary thoughts, which had taken total control over my life. All I only wanted was to find a reason to be and some peace of mind, just for a short moment. My feelings were all over the place with no understanding as to why they were. It was like a roller-coaster, going from one thought to the next, from one emotion to another, and being the rational type only made it worse, since I'd try to process my own thought process, so you can only imagine how crazy I felt at times. From not caring when someone was getting engaged or had a new job, to having no empathy for nothing and nobody. I felt guilt, pain, danger, afraid and lonely. Life had completely changed its course, painful and just pointless. I didn't know what was happening to me nor did I have a clue how I would get out of this, if someone would come and save me, or if I would have to carry the weight on my own, once again...
I started to fear everything, including my own self and refection. I had no self-defense, no self-control or desire to care for myself. It felt like I was going through some type of mental illness, self-disconnection, lack of self-confidence or self-esteem, or perhaps a combination of all. Completing the puzzle felt impossible, and even peaking through just to get an insight on how it looked on the other side wasn't working for me. The physical pain became unbearable and my ability to process thoughts became even more difficult. I'd get a headache just by thinking which was certainly not normal or healthy. The accumulation and combination of the physical, mental and emotional symptoms took a hold on me, and finally, my dear friend Anxiety came knocking. At that point, depression wasn't so bad after all.
One of the worse experience I ever had to go through was getting myself to work and back. Here's a bit of a scenario on how it took place:
Every morning I'd get on the public transit for a forty-five minute commute to work. I had to mentally prepare myself for this in order to keep myself straight and focused, however it worked only maybe 50% of the time. Every stop, person talking, bell ringing, door opening and closing and even the noise of the bus running would trigger my symptoms of anxiety and would turn into mini panic attacks. I felt completely stupid for it and so I had to step out and attempt at the next one so that I would make it to my destination safe and sound. Sometimes it would take four buses to make it there. I'm not sure how I repeated that for years. I guess I just had to be places.
Some other symptoms I'd experience at home (or anywhere) were: afraid of falling asleep, sudden waking during sleep, trembling, sweaty palms, cold sweats, difficulty speaking or expressing myself, irritability, easily provoked, sensitivity to loud noises and light, shorten of breath and trouble catching my breath, bad posture, back, neck, shoulder, leg and arm pain, numbness in my extremities, foggy mind and blurry vision, skin rash and oily skin, hair loss (I now keep it short and like it that way), fear of dying and passing out, fear of loosing it, public phobia, monophobia, autophobia, claustrophobia, complete self-disconnection and difficulty looking at my own reflection.
I actually had to take myself to the hospital on a few occasions, but only to be sent back home and told that there was nothing wrong with me, and that it was all a playback in my head. Stubborn as I was I refused to accept the medication doctors prescribed me because I wanted to fix the problem from the root, instead of covering the symptoms. I knew that if I would go on medication I would only distant further from myself, my dignity and the little bit of self-awareness I had left. Now back at step one. Deep down I truly felt like a complete idiot for going through this, and I was afraid that maybe I had developed a mental illness, since it was confirmed by physicians... that it was all in my head.
Surprisingly enough I did notice that I was capable of controlling most of my symptoms, and also even prevent those mini attacks from actualizing. Well then since it's either all in my head or not at all, I then began exploring other methods, techniques and avenues. which today serve me greatly and will always remain in my self-help tool box. The followings seemed to have helped me the most: mediation, yoga, music (natural sounds, vibrations, mantras) and self-talk. Another tip which I found very helpful was imagine myself in a moment when I felt Ok, before all of this started which would temporally bring me back to that "good place", so that I could
touch it again. Slowly it all started to come back to me... piece by piece... moment by moment, and years later.
As far as self-talk goes, the main purpose was not only to and convince myself that I was going to be Ok, and better, but most importantly it helped me figure out who I really was. Going "back in time" helped me to a point, but even this method was not enough in my journey of finding my self. Since I had lost myself, I now had to re-learn who I was, and mainly who I wanted to become. I'd spent the majority of my time self-talking (in my head of course) soul searching, in a way I had no idea was possible. I was becoming aware of my inner-peace, my inner-connection, my inner joy, which surprisingly left more comforting than anything else I ever had or had always wanted.
Although my days weren't always pink, at times I felt lost, unsure, and afraid, but a voice inside of me insisted that I don't give up, no matter how long it was going to take me or how difficult it was. The next day I would look inside and find that strength again, and continue on. Letting go was simply not an option, but instead it became a motivation to reach a higher self, and of course to get through this. I thought to myself "
oh boy this is going to be a long road, but if I ever make it I will be stronger than ever". I knew this was a part of my life's mission, I knew I had to go through this for a reason...
Consequently I came up with a fun game called, I'm sure you all guessed it,
"Finding the missing pieces of the puzzle", where I had an imaginary puzzle
in progress on my bedroom wall. Of course not literally, but I would add to it every
aha moment I could get my hands on. This additional technique not only gave me strength, but it also made me realize that I was heading towards recovery, piece by piece. Doing this mental exercise also provided me with a great sense of awareness, and that I was in control over my mind, body and soul, thus life, although a work in progress, I knew it was only a matter of time before I could "breathe" normally again. I used to have many dreams, but now I have only one,
achieving total peace of mind.
I made the choice of going natural vs. taking medication because it felt right for me. Being the sensitive person that I am, just thinking about being controlled under the influence of a medication scared the crap of out of me, so that was certainly not a good choice for me. Au contraire, I wanted to feel every pain, discomfort and symptoms, so that I would evaluate each moment and get linked back to the root, and possibly try and fix it, instead of being completely numbed. I did many researches on the subject and came up with my own techniques that seemed to have worked well for me, though I am well aware that they may not work for everyone, since we all have different perspectives, beliefs and mentality. As far as nutrition goes, eating clean has always been important to me, and although this wasn't a contributing factor in my case, I believe that it can be a strong indicator in other cases.
From my experience, the key element that helped me cope and still today defeating my anxiety and depression was to reconnect with myself, my identity, my soul. I was doing what I though was right for me but I was obviously doing it all wrong. I was so not aligned with my my highest good thus lost myself completely to the point where I "felt" disconnected, because I was. I felt "crazy" because my mind was also "going crazy". I felt stupid and worthless because I was doing worthless and stupid things. Here's a simple equation I like to refer to in harder times: "
Soul Connects the Mind -> Mind Connects the Head -> Head Connects the Body = Soul". It's simple and effective when I feel not quite connected. A self-disconnection can lead to total catastrophe. Some people may not have had this experienced, but to those who have, I feel you.
Just like dealing with any addictions, it takes time, effort, understanding, dedication and discipline before we can see profound results. In my opinion, anxiety and depression are only a "state of mind", which we all know can be controlled with the power of our own will. Our minds just like our muscles can become damaged over time if not properly cared for, but with a bit of TLC and regular "training" we can see remarkable results.
Who would of thought I would experience something this frightening, something that felt so dark, lonely, devastating and so close to death, but let's not get ahead of ourselves, even the most Zen person who seems totally aligned, can be completely disconnected.
Today the sun is shining and that's really all that matters. I truly believe in miracles, let me tell you! I could be talking about my life struggles and whatnot for days, but for now I only wish to give you an insight on my struggles, my findings, key lessons and what I am doing today to keep sane, in hopes that one person can benefit from it. It's definitely not easy to put myself out there, but I know I'm not the only one, and I also know that everyone has a different story to tell.
The key lesson I took from this experience is that internal happiness is the most precious gift life has to offer, and that internal happiness is in fact a choice. Today I accept my suffering and am extremely grateful for it, because today I see it as a life changing experience to help me flourish and live a happier life. As hard as it may seem anxiety and depression are definitely curable, and although medication may help some, there are many other avenues to look into, which can also work beautifully.
The question is, what are you looking to get out of it?
The most important thing you can do for yourself is to take any steps towards healing, because one step will lead you to the next, and sooner or later you will reach a happier place, but only if you choose not to give up.
The way you see my story is most likely different to how I am interpreting it. We all lived different paths, have received differently, wish for different things and see life differently, therefore there is no need to judge one's story or goal. instead we can listen and try to understand, because that may be all we can do.
Wishing you a full and long lasting recovery.
Méliane
