3 Easy Steps To Finally Realize Your Core Fear (Part 2 of 2)

In part 2 we will explore techniques on how to dig into our emotions so that the heart of the symptom can be revealed, which is our core fear imprint.

Important note: Just so that you are aware, I will be brutally honest with myself in order to show you live examples, and extreme sensitive matters will be revealed.

In Part 1 we looked at The Art of Asking Questions, and how imperative it is to allow ourselves to ask questions when we feel something is not quite right. We recommend that you check out 3 Easy Steps To Finally Realize Your Core Fear (Part 1 of 2) before going into these final 2 steps.

Step 2: Locating Secondary Fears That Will Lead You To The Core

Core fears are what govern our every move, thought, action and emotions, thus effect our physical, mental and emotional behaviours. They reside in our subconscious mind and contradict our highest good or well-being, consequently cause us pain. It's like living with a roommate whom you just can't seem to get along with. Well, it's time to break the lease!

Analysis for your visual: You try to bring a plant back to life, which you have been ignoring for years, by going back in time (of course with a time machine) and provide it water and sunlight so that the damages of today can be reversed. This process is the exact same concept, except no need for a time machine, just a bit of imagination ;)

As shown in the previous diagram from Part 1, there could be many secondary fears branching off of that one source fear, also called the heart of the fear. But if we look at the surface level what we will see are by-products of the actual root problem. So let's take a quick look at examples of what our core fear may be:

• Abandoned, Ignorance, Loneliness, Neglect, Rejection or Undesired
  opposites: accepted, attention, cherished, comforted, connection, desired, expression, reassured, wanted
• Betrayed, Deceived, Mislead, Undervalued
  opposites: justice, accepted, affection, appreciated, cherished, loved, valued
• Humiliation, Judgment, Misunderstood or Misinterpreted 
  opposites: accepted, loved, heard, respected, understood, valued
• Danger, Insecurity or Uncertainty 
  opposites: comfort, peace, reassured, safety, security, survival
• Despair, Failure, Inferior, Powerlessness or Lost of Control 
  opposites: hope, faith, encouraged, confidence, powerful, succeed, determination, control, self-worth, purpose
• Disconnection or Emptiness
  opposites: awareness, connected, one-self, being, belonging, purpose
• Unhappiness, Unfulfilled 
  opposites: complete, fulfilled, joyfulness, peacefulness, purpose
• Unimportant or Worthlessness 
  opposites: capable, efficient, important, worthy

Here is a diagram displaying examples of how our core fear will branch off in to multiple secondary fears:

Sound familiar? If so good! We're one step closer...

Now that we've narrowed it down to one or a few core fears, let's choose the most dominant one to work with today during this exercise. Perhaps the one that stood out the most simply by observing these examples or the secondary beliefs you've come up with. The other ones can be visited when you feel ready or if you feel necessary.

Tip: If you can't narrow it down to one main fear, think about a bad experience you once lived where it caused you to fear. Then, summarize it in one simple sentence using your own words, as if you're expressing your concern to a loved one, finally right it down and use it to start this process. Hint: you know you're on the right track if you resonated with one or more of its opposites.

Step 3: Finding The Dominant Core Fear

During Part 1 we looked at The Art of Asking Questions and trusting that our mind will take us to the exact moment we want to be. This is pretty much what we're doing again this time, but we'll get slightly more specific.

Now that you've deliberately been brought closer to the source of the problem and feel ready to take it further, we will now dive in and take it to the final step, and we will do so with a simple mental exercise using our imagination in order to allow us to go "back in time".

To begin, while you're holding on to that thought, observe yourself (always in 3rd person perspective) experiencing it again as if you're watching your own child (or yourself as an adult), and then feel every emotion you were experiencing in that moment, like his or hers emotions were directly communicated to you. Let and invite the emotions rise to the surface naturally. By not thinking and only observing, ask yourself these additional probing questions:

1. When did I first feel this emotion?
2. Who was I surrounded by?
3. Where was I?
4. When did I last feel this emotion?
5. What am I afraid of?
6. Why am I afraid of it?

Feel free to use your own words to describe how you feel exactly. For the sake of this post I kept it cleaner. It should look something like this:

1. When did I first feel this emotion?  between 5 and 6 years old
2. Who was I surrounded by?  no one
3. Where was I?  in my bed
4. When did I last feel this emotion?  last year (in my bed again)
5. What am I afraid of?  for myself, to be alone, to be with someone, to be stuck with someone, to be unwanted, captured, told what to do, my survival, for my family
6. Why am I afraid of it?  I fear never I will be happy

It's absolutely normal to cry while you're consciously re-living your emotions, in fact why don't you take this moment for yourself and let it all out. If you don't cry or feel anything that's Ok too, just keep going with the process and repeat if needed. It's also normal if you start seeing indirect scenarios, this simply means they share the same fear or a secondary fear, and as temping as they may be try to keep your attention on that initial moment. Observation: if your mind repeatedly goes back to another moment, then move on it. Some wounds just need to be acknowledged and your work is done :)

Finally, the last part to this process is to take it a tiny bit further by breaking down your final answer from question 6, or your own sentence you wrote a moment ago, and ask yourself these two probing questions in an alternate matter. Think as if you're trying to find out the truth behind what seems to be a lie ;) This will invite the true core fear to come out. Here are the questions that have been used by many leaders over again:

1. What does that mean to you?
2. How would that be so bad?

Starting from "I fear never I will be happy", it shall look somewhat like this:

1. How would that be so bad?  life is pointless if I can't be happy
2. What does that mean to you?  it means that there is no point to keep on living
3. How would that be so bad?  I guess it's not
4. What does that mean to you?  I don't care for my life
5. How would that be so bad?  asking for self-destruction
6. What does that mean to you?  that I don't care about myself
7. How would that be so bad?  not caring for others
8. What does that mean to you?  I'm selfish
9. How would that be so bad?  no one will want to be with me
10. What does that mean to you?  I will always be alone
11. How would that be so bad?  won't experiencing love
12. What does that mean to you?  I will slowly die inside
13. How would that be so bad?  an illness will take over me
14. What does that mean to you?  I'm giving up on myself
15. How would that be so bad?  giving up on everyone else
16. What does that mean to you?  that I'm a quitter
17. How would that be so bad?  I'm selfish...

As you can see from my attempt, team work would do a much better job at this. Also there are no right or wrong as to which question should be followed next. Simply go with the one that resonates most. You can even ask both at the same time and or let your intuition decide. In my example I chose to alternate between the two and actually found it a bit difficult to promptly get to a satisfying destination.

People who tend to live "in a lie" (and you know who you are) will find this exercise very hard as for their answers won't be coherent nor will they align with their experiences, therefore they will find it contradictory, probably wont enjoy the process at all, or may even find it particularly "pointless", because they refuse to see the truth.

After going in circles, in my case my core fear seems to be selfish. I fear being seen as selfish. What does this mean in my everyday life experiences? Every action I take, words I say, and thought I think are branches of this core belief that I unconsciously have of myself. For instance, when I say no to going on a date or going out with friends, I feel selfish. When I have an opportunity to help someone but it's minus 30 outside, I feel selfish. When I buy groceries, I feel selfish. Guilt, worthless and insecurity could also be other core beliefs of mine, and I'm excited to continue to explore my roots. I could go on and on but I think by now you have a good idea.

It's not the belief that we fear, and in fact we want to thank it for allowing us to see another side of us that we may not be aware of. It is the consequences that follow as secondary fears, (e.g., pain, aches, stress, anxiety. reputation, career, friends, family, love, etc.), thoughts (e.g., self-pity, worthless, self-destructive thoughts, negative thinking) and actions (e.g., self-destructive acts, isolation, hesitating, missing out on opportunities, or over doing it to suppress the pain).

You can also try this process with smaller issues, such as something that gets on your nerves or something you often complain about, and start straight from those two alternating questions. You'd be amazed how aligned it all sums up.

Doing this mental exercise can be extremely powerful in many ways when done with pure honesty, by yourself or with a partner, but it is imperative that you first are willing to accept whatever will be revealed from your past. You must agree to this statement before considering, in other words you have to be willing to face the truth.

I hope you will have as much fun with this process as we did, and hope it can be helpful to you or to someone who needs support. Please don't be shy to leave your comments as we would truly love to hear from your experience.

If you're looking for a quick and very effective way to relieve your anxiety and depression symptoms, then you might also enjoy our other article about 4 Powerful Reasons Why Anxiety Is Your Friend (With Tips!).

If you would like to contribute to our blog by sharing your own personal story on how you struggle with anxiety or how you have defeated depression, please click here :)

Happy Self-revealing!

Share the love ♥

Namaste

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3 Easy Steps To Finally Realize Your Core Fear (Part 1 of 2)

Questionable thought, questionable feeling, questionable emotion, questionable symptom, questionable anxiety, questionable depression, questionable meaning of your own life's purpose?

Everything can be questioned. I simply can't get enough of questioning myself, well also about everything. It provides me so much insight as to what are my personal problems beneath the surface, which were completely unknown to me, and even though the answers are not always what I expected, it's good to get to know me :)

They said "what ain't broken can't be fixed" (I love this quote!), so if it's all good then you must be on the right track, though improvement is always welcomed! But maybe there's something wrong going on in your life, maybe you've lost hope, nothing seems to come together or make any sense, or maybe it simply doesn't "feel" right. Well then there are no questions there, there is something wrong, something is blocking you, so there is something to question about.

Philosophers, life-coaches, spiritual teachers, etc., all seem to agree on this one philosophy, which sounds something like:

If you want to achieve greatness you must first let go of what's holding you back.

In this case the "unwanted" will be our core belief. It feels like we're constantly going back to this issue, because there is really no way around it:

The belief which lies in our subconscious mind will dominate all other beliefs we think we hold.

Maybe these 5 examples would be properly adequate to help you visualize:

1. Money doesn't grow on trees, mother repeated, so today you struggle financially.
2. You have a bad relationship with one or both of your parents, and today you're seeing a mirroring effect in your relationships.
3. You felt a lack of love as a child, and today you wonder why no one else wants you.
4. As a child you were told that you were no good and useless, and today you feel unworthy.
5. You were bullied in school, and today you have low self-esteem.

Today what we're going to do is to find out what are those branches growing off of our most predominant fear, and then work with it in order to finally ease the pain associated with it, or better, delete symptoms that may be a by-product of one or more past experiences. Anxiety, for example is a by-product of a fear which has manifested in a time way before we even started having symptoms of anxiety. Let's flip the coin around: our body is being dominated by an unknown fear stuck in our subconscious mind and is re-lived through each of our experiences. It doesn't matter if we saw it coming and recognized it, or if we had absolutely no idea we feared a particular fear, either or the emotion which rises at the surface is a fear from deep within us.

They say that as a child, more precisely before the age of eight, we have yet learned to understand our feelings in order to express them as emotions. Therefore we couldn't deliberately choose to accept or reject a particular feeling, thus by default we've adopted them all, negative or positive feelings. That is mainly the reason as to why today we keep attracting the same events which are a match to those feelings. In other words we've adopted these patterns which lie in our subconscious mind, which is THE most dominant consciousness. Understanding what are the "Royalty" controlling our everything is the first step to unleashing ourselves from those past experiences that no longer serve us.

As we all know, our fears expressed in the form of emotions can be manifested through an illness, anxiety, depression, a particular event or person, a thought or a future event or scenario (e.g., how will I pay rent this month, or how will my future look like 10 years from now). So, what do these fears have to do with the core issue? Everything... let us detail with a few scenarios:

1. Will I ever come out of this financial struggle?
2. Why do people make me feel rejected?
3. Why do people hate me?
4. Why do people make me feel worthless?
5. Why do people make me feel angry?

You may find that you can replace the noun people with a distinct name, and that is even better.

Now let's take a quick look at this converging diagram for a brief moment:

This example represents worthless as being the core fear, and we can see clearly how it's branching off as different assignments, but ultimately they are all by-products of not being worthy.

If only the root fear never existed, there would be means for the secondary fears to exist.

From this observation, we may want to blame, for instance the fear of reputation, but because a fear cannot be manifested overnight, yet it requires years of affirmation, convincing and many replicated back-up scenarios for a fear to become a dominant fear. For example, if your core fear is worthless, it was certainly not caused by a couple of people telling you that you were worthless.

Ignoring our fears is really not the best thing you can do for yourself, although it may help reduce the emotional pain momentarily, however in the long run it can only continue to grow branches. It would be like switching your attention towards something that feels more positive, while the fear lingering in you awaits another opportunity to arise, once again.

Now dwelling on our financial problems instead of looking at possible solutions is focusing on the problem only, but the core belief behind the financial problem is what requires our attention, and it's what's causing us physical and emotional pain, so it's essentially not the fact that we can't pay our rent.

So how can we find out what are our core fears? We can do so in 3 simple and easy steps:

Step 1: It's Time To Ask Questions

First, we need to find what is troubling us, what are we afraid of, what event, people or circumstances seem to cause us the most physical, emotional and mental suffering, and we can do this by simply asking ourselves questions. This should be done at the time a fearful emotion has manifested, but anytime you feel ready is also good, whatever feels alright with you.

Now that you've purposely chosing to hold on to one fearful emotion or a parallel moment, ask it about its originality by using probing questions such as the below. This will activate the critical thinking part of the brain:

1. What am I afraid of?
2. When was it?
3. Where was I?
4. Who was I surrounded by?
5. Why am I afraid of it?

You may add to these questions and dig as deep as you possibly can. This may require a bit more time for some people depending on how suppressed the core fear is, or to others it may come very easily. Simply let your mind do all the work, let your mind take you where you want to be, let go of any thoughts and completely surrender to it and trust that it will show you what you're seeking. Do not try to force the process by provoking a thought or a "desired" scenario, or worse suppress the emotion from coming to the surface. This is a good time to be brutally honest with yourself. Trust that your mind knows you best :)

Important note: Before beginning with this process please keep in mind that you don't necessarily want to "relive" that moment, but instead what you're looking for is to "revisit" it as the older version of you, and observe that point in time (from the 3rd person perspective) and allow the experience bring up for you memories, flashes, images, words or any feelings or emotions from this moment. Since the heart of the fear was most likely manifested as a child you may not necessarily see pictures or images, but you may only feel the emotions surrounding that fear.

To conclude with step 1, simply take note or perhaps have a friend take note for you of every bits and pieces you were able to subtract from this experience. You will be surprised how much will be revealed to you; blueprints you were unaware of, and most importantly you will recognize what are those negative imprints that have been governing your life up until now.

We hope you have fun with this simple exercise and don't forget to smile once in while :)

In 3 Easy Steps To Finally Realize Your Core Fear (Part 2 of 2) we will learn effective techniques on how to narrow it down to one predominant fear and navigate The Art Self-Revealing, only one fear at a time ♥

Namaste

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Fearing Anxiety or A Panic Attack? Not Today!

I fear...

• pain
• lost
• failure
• not "making it"
• hopelessness
• my well-being
• other's well-being
• my reputation
• my career
• my health
• anxiety
• a panic attack, etc.

Fear seems to be the root of all evil, and for those who live with a type of anxiety disorder, that it's Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Panic Disorder (PD), Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Separation Anxiety Disorder or a specific phobia, all imply to be reunited under the umbrella of fear.

If we look closely at the word "fear" we are able to comprehend why our bodies react the way they do:

Fear
[ fir ]
noun
— a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined.

Now let's look at its antonyms:

Antonyms:
— courage, security, calm, intrepidity, assurance, calmness, cheer, confidence, contentment, ease, faith, happiness, joy, trust, comfort, liking, love, bravery, courage, fearlessness, heroism, unconcern.

The reason for this close-up is to carefully examine the two extremes: the effect it has on us, and what we can do to help prevent this unwanted feeling. Whether the fear we have is real or imaginary, the effects are very much the same.

When we think of an event that took place or a future scenario which cause us negative emotions or feelings, it may accelerate into a stronger emotion such as fear, even though it is not actually happening. This fear is only imaginary -- it is NOT real, only it "feels" like it is.

As we know fear is subsequent to some kind of real life events or lived experiences, however we can be left reassured that fear is not a manifestation forthcoming the event or experience itself, but a manifestation within our minds.

There are a number of reasons for one to be afraid of, and of course those depend on each and one of us as we all have walked different paths. For example, personally I fear of public speaking and heights. I find that my anxiety is easily triggered when I'm about to speak in front of multiple people, (e.g., at a meeting) v.s one on one. Also, my fear of heights seems to obstruct my ability to enjoy a nice sunny day on my balcony from the 11th floor. These may be common but not for everyone. So what now, should I continue "live in fear" or is there something I can do to get over these?

Here is something I'd like to share with you which has helped me tremendously when in a fearful situation:

Firstly, fear, when recognized, can then be controlled. It's when we don't know what's happening to us that we continue to fear, and for the majority of us there are no apparent reasons behind it. The magical revolution of knowing about our fears, and most importantly accepting them for what they are and showing themselves to us, can make the entire difference when we're in a panicky mode.

Secondly, the moment that fear decides to show itself, that it's due to an obvious situation where we would normally be fearful, or while completing a daily task, fear is an emotion, just like any other, which can be controlled or avoided, bottom line -- fear is in our heads.

Finally, here are a few tricks (memos and self-talks) that perhaps can also be helpful to you:

Fear of heights

If you are grounded you are very much safe, and you won't go nowhere! There is nothing to fear about, in fact let go of that fear and trust. There is absolutely nothing else to do, but trust.

Social phobia or fear of public speaking

You are who you are and no one else has a say in it. As long as you are comfortable and accept yourself for who you've become or who you will become, your only duty is to be that person. Detach yourself from other's options, thoughts and judgments of you, because they don't define you, they define them. So don't over think or analyse anything -- just express yourself with respect, confidence and freedom.

Fear of anxiety

Oh dear anxiety, how I wish I never met you. Though, I am happy that you were able to give me a better understanding of myself, my insecurities, my fears, and my emotional behaviours. I now know, because of you, that I was doing it all wrong. However, today I choose not to make you a part of me anymore (my fears), and unconditionally and with all due respect, you are dismissed -- as if you were never here. Now moving on without you. Take Care.

Fear of a panic attack

These can be tricky, as they come and go and sometimes with no warnings. A panic attacks happens when our body feels as if it's in danger, and it reacts by producing a burst of adrenaline as a force to protect itself in case of danger (I'd like to emphases on the "in case"), just like it would in a real moment of danger. In fact, constantly "living in fear" has to come with some kind of side effect. But know that there is no "real" danger. By fearing our anxiety or another panic attack, the only thing this is actually doing is giving them our attention, and so they will respond by coming back. We should NOT let them "unreal fears" take over our majestic powerful and dominating minds. What we can do in a moment of fear (especially when alone in panic) is to remain silent, try to reassure and calm ourselves down, acknowledge that our body is responding only accordingly, not to think of why and instead just acknowledge, close our eyes (at least try if you can), find that inner peace that lies beneath the pain, feel the nothingness that can be found. and slowly let the pain find its way out. We should always stay focused and not let go until we feel calm and completely reassured. Then, move on with your day knowing you just defeated a panic attack, and well aware that you are in control. A panic attack doesn't have to last for hours, or not even for 5 minutes. The length of a panic attack will depend on us, and our surrounding, of course.

Conclusion

Know that these specific fears (whatever they may be) are only a manifestation of the mind, and for that being said there are actually no real reasons to fear. The more we commit to our fear the more likely it will pursuit, yet the quicker we put our attention away from it and focus on peacefulness or nothingness that actually exists, the quicker we will reconnect with ourselves, and realize that we are in control.

The fear of living with anxiety or yet to live another panic attack is a fear within itself, and it's powerful enough to keep us in fear for a long time. However, the power of the mind is significantly stronger than any fear, and practicing techniques such as this one is an art -- the art of mindfulness.

We've got this -- we ARE in control! Fear? Bring it on! We can handle you!

Namaste

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Tomato Vs. Avocado - The Undefined

I am a woman, daughter, and mother with day-to-day challenges and lived experience with mental illness and disorders. I'd like to stress I am not a healthcare professional. Presently I struggle to keep my anxiety in-check and I can occasionally "feel depressed" but I will stress it is nothing compared to feeling like you are being swallowed whole by the world and it's only a "matter of time" before someone or something destroys you (or you destroy yourself!).

I tell myself daily:

Know your truth and don't back down! I no longer have room for historical demons and doubts. I will not entertain their foolishness. I do not deserve to suffer and I forgive myself and others for any wrong doing or hurt in the past. I am a product of my experiences and because of that I AM IN CHARGE. My experiences DO NOT define me. What I do now and the lessons I've learned dictates their meaning.

I've always being very emotional and sensitive. I was never very good at sports, mainly because I was not competitive, I liked to be by myself and work on things independently. I took to the arts, painting, pottery, music, dance, and even figure skating - although that proved to be too competitive near the end as well. I was fortunate enough to come from a loving family and had a beautiful childhood. I am grateful for this, especially now that I am a mother, and I see and hear so many heartaches involving families and children suffering in our own backyard and around the world.

When I hit about 12 years of age things changed very fast for me. I didn't have the confidence I saw in others around me. I didn't "bounce back" when someone put me down. I started looking around me and felt different from everyone. Like a freak of nature. I felt so intensely about everything around me. Every person and situation was so meaningful and I didn't understand why this was not the same for everyone else. It was very difficult to navigate through junior high, high school, and even my early 20's feeling this way. And others constantly took advantage of my naiveté.

Without going into details, I have been a victim both crimes of the heart and the law. I further crumbled and these experiences ripped through me and broke me down. I took refuge in hurting myself physically, using drugs and alcohol to escape from how disappointed I was in the world and how I hated myself for not being strong like everyone else. As a result I tortured myself with the guilt and shame I brought to the family dinner table for years.

In my 20's everything changed with the birth of my son. I was not "cured". I still had my struggles but I knew I had to be stronger and I knew he needed me. Over the years I screwed up a few times, I will not lie! By the time I was 25 I think I had seen three or four dedicated mental health practitioners. Number four changed me forever. She told me given my "make up" she probably would have turned out the same way and done the same things. She told me I wasn't inferior to her or anybody. She did not pity me. She had EMPATHY.

Her and I came to the conclusion being told I am "too sensitive", that I need to 'build a thicker skin', and 'not to take things so personally' closely resembled staring at a tomato and telling it to 'become an avocado.' I am a tomato and I own it.

So with the baggage of a divorce, a child, debt, and being a university drop-out to boot I started over. It was a series of one step forward and two (sometimes 3 or 4) steps back. The greatest gift I have given myself over the years though is FORGIVENESS. Being armed with forgiveness allowed me to accept things that had transpired in my life. It allowed me to take responsibility and become accountable with love and acceptance instead of with guilt and shame. Letting go for me was not about giving in, it was (for lack of a better word) transformational and a necessity if I ever wanted to excel in life and not live in a place of hurt and pain.

I started looking at myself (both my body and my mind) and the world around me differently. I looked at food as medicine and exercise as a way to keep the motor running. I became more interested in studying different spiritual practices, homeopathy, naturopathy, and learned to slow down in the midst of chaos. This was instrumental where I lived in the middle of the hustling city of Montreal, Quebec at the time. With the help of others' guidance and literature I learned that the anxiety I feel can be countered with peace.

I recognized for my own healing process (this is different for everyone) it was important for me to do more of what made me feel most connected to people and the earth. This was the opposite of what I was doing before and I learned I could safely express my sensitivity more and more. Today I write, paint, practice yoga, and go for long walks on the beach and in the snow, depending on the season around here. I know that if I am feeling anxious about something that it is important for me personally to quickly assess the situation I'm in and act swiftly because something is likely "off".

I have been focusing on listening more to my intuition and learning about what brings me pleasure in life despite what others believe or think. A hot cup of tea, meditation, and curling up to read a book or a movie sounds like a great Friday night to me! Again, I am not "cured" and life's changes - they are unpredictable, but for the first time in a very long time (likely since childhood) I feel at peace and I am truly happy. I have a long road ahead of me, even this next year is going to be pretty intense, but I am committed to myself and my family my friends and this life.

In the last year I managed to crush my last vice, my evil friend smoking. I have enrolled in school once again, and got back to my yoga practice. I am still just as sensitive (if not more than ever) but I feel stronger than ever. The difference is I've used my experiences and truly listened to what they taught me. I navigated myself away from the negative, into a positive headspace, and now some really big things are happening!

So 2015... I do not believe in New Year's resolutions but I believe in positive daily affirmations. I believe in sharing the good, bad, and even ugly. I believe there is strength in numbers. I believe in myself and I believe in you. I think we need to take the pressure off the New Year, take a deep breath, forgive, accept, and reach out to inspire one another.

Kindest Regards,
MTP

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How I Am Managing My Chronic Anxiety

I come from a fairly large family composed of five girls, and let me tell you things would go "missing" quite often in the household! Though, this doesn't speak for the financial struggles associated with a single mother trying her best to raise a family on a low income. The fact that we were girls certainly didn't stop us from eating like growing teenage boys, which financially speaking obviously didn't help. We learned to live with the bare minimum and everything else was considered a luxury, thus we all had to get a job and work for it. Today I wonder if these absences and experiences have anything to do with mt stress level, depression and anxiety. Despite of it all, I was a very happy child and left lucky to have such a wonderful family and a roof over our heads. I was filled with hopes and dreams, hope that one day things would all make sense and fall into place, or in other words. I'd finally wake up from this dream.

I never really stressed over much. and always looked on the bright side on things. Not that I understood what those dark roads meant, but I knew very well that worrying wouldn't help anything, and I made sure to express that to everyone around me. I was that middle child who never sweated the small things, and was soon named the "Zen" one of the five.

Personally, I've always been a master at day-dreaming; my mother would constantly remind me to get out of the clouds, however I'd prefer playing other scenarios in my head over my reality. That was me at home. Though, school was different. For popularity reasons I didn't fit in very well so I soon saw myself as different, weird, or plain "not normal", when comparing myself to others. However I didn't feel the need to be accepted or understood by schoolmates or kids from my neighborhood, and in fact I truly enjoyed being on my own, because this way I would avoid dealing with other's expectations of me. I was able to just "be me" and not really care about my reputation. But there was one major problem, which was that I would keep to myself and forget to associate with others, thus, I would keep everything inside. As a child, I couldn't understand the consequences from not expressing myself; my worries, your troubles, my opinions and emotions, brief, what I expected from others and what I wanted in life. It was only in my early twenties when "things got a bit sour", I think I was beginning a depression.

What is depression? Please allow me to go back and explain in my own words:

First, nothing mattered, nothing to look forward to and nothing would excite me anymore. Everyone around me would seem happy but me, and I couldn't understand how they could possibly be happy, walk with confidence and even smile. There seemed to be a huge gap between my world and their worlds. My world was dark and theirs didn't seem right either, because nothing felt right... nothing.

Of course, getting up in the morning was very uncomfortable and obviously had no point to it. The minute I'd wake up my entire body would hurt and I couldn't stop or prevent it even if I wanted to. I'd stay up until sunrise and yet I would accomplish absolutely nothing. I was completely lost, with no drive whatsoever, no ambition, no idea how to get myself out of it; if I would requite external help or I carry the weight on my own. It was nothing compared to what I had ever experienced, much darker and scarier, more life death, like a walking zombie lost in an unknown world. My dreams which once felt doable now left unrealistic, and even my life was uncertain.

I felt the need to distance myself from my friends and family so that they wouldn't feel the mental and physical pain I was in. I isolate and question everything; my existence, anyone's existence for that matter, and the meaning of life. My self-confidence and self-esteem were non-existent. I would even ask myself why would anyone want to be confident? That's just egotistic... and what's the point of living?

Seeing people happy would irritate me and only get on my nerves. I simply could not relay with no one. I would lose patience over meaningless things. My mind would constantly wonder from left and right, and mostly scary thoughts, which had taken total control over my life. All I only wanted was to find a reason to be and some peace of mind, just for a short moment. My feelings were all over the place with no understanding as to why they were. It was like a roller-coaster, going from one thought to the next, from one emotion to another, and being the rational type only made it worse, since I'd try to process my own thought process, so you can only imagine how crazy I felt at times. From not caring when someone was getting engaged or had a new job, to having no empathy for nothing and nobody. I felt guilt, pain, danger, afraid and lonely. Life had completely changed its course, painful and just pointless. I didn't know what was happening to me nor did I have a clue how I would get out of this, if someone would come and save me, or if I would have to carry the weight on my own, once again...

I started to fear everything, including my own self and refection. I had no self-defense, no self-control or desire to care for myself. It felt like I was going through some type of mental illness, self-disconnection, lack of self-confidence or self-esteem, or perhaps a combination of all. Completing the puzzle felt impossible, and even peaking through just to get an insight on how it looked on the other side wasn't working for me. The physical pain became unbearable and my ability to process thoughts became even more difficult. I'd get a headache just by thinking which was certainly not normal or healthy. The accumulation and combination of the physical, mental and emotional symptoms took a hold on me, and finally, my dear friend Anxiety came knocking. At that point, depression wasn't so bad after all.

One of the worse experience I ever had to go through was getting myself to work and back. Here's a bit of a scenario on how it took place:

Every morning I'd get on the public transit for a forty-five minute commute to work. I had to mentally prepare myself for this in order to keep myself straight and focused, however it worked only maybe 50% of the time. Every stop, person talking, bell ringing, door opening and closing and even the noise of the bus running would trigger my symptoms of anxiety and would turn into mini panic attacks. I felt completely stupid for it and so I had to step out and attempt at the next one so that I would make it to my destination safe and sound. Sometimes it would take four buses to make it there. I'm not sure how I repeated that for years. I guess I just had to be places.

Some other symptoms I'd experience at home (or anywhere) were: afraid of falling asleep, sudden waking during sleep, trembling, sweaty palms, cold sweats, difficulty speaking or expressing myself, irritability, easily provoked, sensitivity to loud noises and light, shorten of breath and trouble catching my breath, bad posture, back, neck, shoulder, leg and arm pain, numbness in my extremities, foggy mind and blurry vision, skin rash and oily skin, hair loss (I now keep it short and like it that way), fear of dying and passing out, fear of loosing it, public phobia, monophobia, autophobia, claustrophobia, complete self-disconnection and difficulty looking at my own reflection.

I actually had to take myself to the hospital on a few occasions, but only to be sent back home and told that there was nothing wrong with me, and that it was all a playback in my head. Stubborn as I was I refused to accept the medication doctors prescribed me because I wanted to fix the problem from the root, instead of covering the symptoms. I knew that if I would go on medication I would only distant further from myself, my dignity and the little bit of self-awareness I had left. Now back at step one. Deep down I truly felt like a complete idiot for going through this, and I was afraid that maybe I had developed a mental illness, since it was confirmed by physicians... that it was all in my head.

Surprisingly enough I did notice that I was capable of controlling most of my symptoms, and also even prevent those mini attacks from actualizing. Well then since it's either all in my head or not at all, I then began exploring other methods, techniques and avenues. which today serve me greatly and will always remain in my self-help tool box. The followings seemed to have helped me the most: mediation, yoga, music (natural sounds, vibrations, mantras) and self-talk. Another tip which I found very helpful was imagine myself in a moment when I felt Ok, before all of this started which would temporally bring me back to that "good place", so that I could touch it again. Slowly it all started to come back to me... piece by piece... moment by moment, and years later.

As far as self-talk goes, the main purpose was not only to and convince myself that I was going to be Ok, and better, but most importantly it helped me figure out who I really was. Going "back in time" helped me to a point, but even this method was not enough in my journey of finding my self. Since I had lost myself, I now had to re-learn who I was, and mainly who I wanted to become. I'd spent the majority of my time self-talking (in my head of course) soul searching, in a way I had no idea was possible. I was becoming aware of my inner-peace, my inner-connection, my inner joy, which surprisingly left more comforting than anything else I ever had or had always wanted.

Although my days weren't always pink, at times I felt lost, unsure, and afraid, but a voice inside of me insisted that I don't give up, no matter how long it was going to take me or how difficult it was. The next day I would look inside and find that strength again, and continue on. Letting go was simply not an option, but instead it became a motivation to reach a higher self, and of course to get through this. I thought to myself "oh boy this is going to be a long road, but if I ever make it I will be stronger than ever". I knew this was a part of my life's mission, I knew I had to go through this for a reason...

Consequently I came up with a fun game called, I'm sure you all guessed it, "Finding the missing pieces of the puzzle", where I had an imaginary puzzle in progress on my bedroom wall. Of course not literally, but I would add to it every aha moment I could get my hands on. This additional technique not only gave me strength, but it also made me realize that I was heading towards recovery, piece by piece. Doing this mental exercise also provided me with a great sense of awareness, and that I was in control over my mind, body and soul, thus life, although a work in progress, I knew it was only a matter of time before I could "breathe" normally again. I used to have many dreams, but now I have only one, achieving total peace of mind.

I made the choice of going natural vs. taking medication because it felt right for me. Being the sensitive person that I am, just thinking about being controlled under the influence of a medication scared the crap of out of me, so that was certainly not a good choice for me. Au contraire, I wanted to feel every pain, discomfort and symptoms, so that I would evaluate each moment and get linked back to the root, and possibly try and fix it, instead of being completely numbed. I did many researches on the subject and came up with my own techniques that seemed to have worked well for me, though I am well aware that they may not work for everyone, since we all have different perspectives, beliefs and mentality. As far as nutrition goes, eating clean has always been important to me, and although this wasn't a contributing factor in my case, I believe that it can be a strong indicator in other cases.

From my experience, the key element that helped me cope and still today defeating my anxiety and depression was to reconnect with myself, my identity, my soul. I was doing what I though was right for me but I was obviously doing it all wrong. I was so not aligned with my my highest good thus lost myself completely to the point where I "felt" disconnected, because I was. I felt "crazy" because my mind was also "going crazy". I felt stupid and worthless because I was doing worthless and stupid things. Here's a simple equation I like to refer to in harder times: "Soul Connects the Mind -> Mind Connects the Head -> Head Connects the Body = Soul". It's simple and effective when I feel not quite connected. A self-disconnection can lead to total catastrophe. Some people may not have had this experienced, but to those who have, I feel you.

Just like dealing with any addictions, it takes time, effort, understanding, dedication and discipline before we can see profound results. In my opinion, anxiety and depression are only a "state of mind", which we all know can be controlled with the power of our own will. Our minds just like our muscles can become damaged over time if not properly cared for, but with a bit of TLC and regular "training" we can see remarkable results.

Who would of thought I would experience something this frightening, something that felt so dark, lonely, devastating and so close to death, but let's not get ahead of ourselves, even the most Zen person who seems totally aligned, can be completely disconnected.

Today the sun is shining and that's really all that matters. I truly believe in miracles, let me tell you! I could be talking about my life struggles and whatnot for days, but for now I only wish to give you an insight on my struggles, my findings, key lessons and what I am doing today to keep sane, in hopes that one person can benefit from it. It's definitely not easy to put myself out there, but I know I'm not the only one, and I also know that everyone has a different story to tell.

The key lesson I took from this experience is that internal happiness is the most precious gift life has to offer, and that internal happiness is in fact a choice. Today I accept my suffering and am extremely grateful for it, because today I see it as a life changing experience to help me flourish and live a happier life. As hard as it may seem anxiety and depression are definitely curable, and although medication may help some, there are many other avenues to look into, which can also work beautifully. The question is, what are you looking to get out of it?

The most important thing you can do for yourself is to take any steps towards healing, because one step will lead you to the next, and sooner or later you will reach a happier place, but only if you choose not to give up.

The way you see my story is most likely different to how I am interpreting it. We all lived different paths, have received differently, wish for different things and see life differently, therefore there is no need to judge one's story or goal. instead we can listen and try to understand, because that may be all we can do.

Wishing you a full and long lasting recovery.

Méliane

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