My Recent Depression And Anxiety Tips (My Top 6)

This one is dedicated to my mom.

It's been a while since I've written anything. Lets just say I was going through stuff...

As you know, I've struggled with depression, followed by anxiety, topped-up with substance abuse. Since my last post, for some reason, my life went completely down-south, and totally unexpectedly. In the last 3 years I've lost three jobs, two rental apartments, the majority of my friends and all support from family. Today when I look back, I know what I did wrong. My life did a complete 180 degree and continued going down hill from there. Without getting into many details, and I'm sure you have an good idea, so I really want to focus on what I did to get myself out the deed, deep misery I had put myself into, how I got back on my feet, back on track, and even stronger than ever. One thing I do want to say is don't ever think you've become strong enough to suddenly be able to deal with addictions because you got over your anxiety/depression. Addictions and anxiety go hand in hand. Addictions are extremely difficult to control, and even no matter how strong you think you've got. Please keep in mind, and you know that, when you start it's extremely difficult to stop or control, and so you might just fall right back where you once were, deeper, and possibly hit rock bottom... that's exactly what happened to me, so I hope these tips can at least help some of you.

Let's get right into it. Here are my most recent 6 tips for finally concurring depression and anxiety, especially when mixed with substance abuse.

1. Stop Consuming Drugs And Alcohol, Whatever It Might Be For You

This is a crucial step, if you allow in the devil's temptations, you will never be able to see the light again or gain the strength to get through it. Go head, have that one more drink, one more night of fun, and then what? What about the following weekend? What will happen when that "friend" calls you to come chill, what will you respond? Are you going to go back just so that you can test your own strength? What does it bring to your life or future? What's at the end of that tunnel? How far in life have you gone since? Are you making good friends, I hope so, because you will need some. Those people are not your real friends, maybe you have something in common, but you can not help each other get better by doing the same thing. Talking to each other about your future goals and plans while high, is not going to take you any further, but only to that next party.

From my experiences, none of that matter. That fun you're having isn't real fun, and trust me, it's actually taking your further and further to your dreams and goals, and often extremely dangerous. No savior is coming for you, you're dreaming, comfortably numb, in your own fantasy world, but with no means of getting out of it. Life won't help you if you don't help yourself.

Sober up a bit and slowly you'll find the courage to get help, and there is so much help out there. One thing at a time, one moment at at time, one goal at a time, you will eventually reach every single one of them, as long as you stay as sober and keep your focus.

2. Come Face To Face With The Fact That You Do Have A Problem

Most of us don't think or believe we have a problem. Anxiety and depressions are linked to deep wounds that were once forgotten, pushed away and never dealt with. The reason why we rebel is because of our hurtful wounds from our past which we think no longer exist. When we feel unhappy we naturally get involved with the wrong people, introduce substances to ease the pain or to feel accepted, loved or appreciated. We must remember that we attract what we are, these people, whom match your current mental state, are not going to be helpful, however they do make you feel comfortable and welcome, right?

Don't give in, know better. You have wounds to heals and you need to accept it, don't copy them, don't settle, don't give up on your dreams just like some have. You need to talk to yourself and say "I need to change my behaviors and actions". Do that and your life will follow... it's truly the only way. You will feel it in your mind, body and soul when it's really time to quit. Then focus on you and you will begin to be more honest with yourself and with others. Transitioning is never just a walk in the park, it hurts, but it does go completely away :)

3. Be Completely Honest With Yourself

Like I just mentioned, being honest with yourself, knowing who you are, where you come from and what you want in life, all will support you during your transition. You need to be self-aware of everything about you. Whatever you need to do to find that out, just do it, trust me, it's worth it. As soon as you admit to yourself "I have a problem, I know", then, you will immediately feel that feeling of calmness, and right through your veins. What do I do now? Make a list of steps you can take, and start with one, anyone, just pick one. It is a very powerful practice, it works, it worked for me, and I hope it works for you. Be a good person and stop lying to yourself and to others. You will gain confidence, self esteem, and others will begin to respect you, once again.

My life changed dramatically; I gained back my respect, I started loving myself more, and today I  completely accept my flaws and previous mistakes. I never judge myself or anyone - I respect other's journey and where they might be today.

4. Detach Yourself From Toxic People

I've always believed that people cross your path for a reason, but I also know that it doesn't mean everyone will stay in your life, and sometimes it's just for a quick brief moment, just to teach you something, or perhaps you need to leave them with something. In any way, some people show up only to make your life miserable as hell, more then their own life. They will do anything to keep you from getting better or succeeding, because that's what they thrive on, victimization. They pick at you, wait for that reaction, and can't wait to see you hurt. It's only until you realize this, that you can then make a conscious choice to let them go. Get to know them so they don't bother you ever again, new comers, they will come. Cut them out of your life, and COMPLETELY! I'm sure you've met a few.

5. Take Care Of Yourself

It took me a few back and forth before I finally became to understand that part-time consuming, is not a thing. Only after I decided to ONLY focus on my physical health, mental sanity and spirituality, that I began to feel completely at ease with myself, my life, my behaviors and attitude towards people. I now take good care of myself, eat even better, back into yoga and meditation... life if wonderful again, but at higher level. I do not force anything, because the last thing I want to do is create any unnecessary stress while I'm healing. One day might be yes, but the next might just be Netflix. I take it one day at a time, I don't think about tomorrow or yesterday's mistakes, because I know that will trigger anxiety and overthinking, and we both know that won't lead us anywhere! I am now leading an easier, almost stress-free life style and I'm loving it. I did move to another city, but only because I left like I had no other choice. It's up to you. Whatever makes you feel good just do it, as long as it's healthy!

6. Know Your Goals

This has to be my favorite. I might not have previously touched this topic, but I truly believe that the root of the problem, is that we are completely lost human beings, not knowing what we truly like, what we should be doing with our lives, yes I'm talking about your life purpose. Picture you're an artist but you work for the government full-time, and completely dislike your job. The majority is doing it, they "seem" happy, so it must be alright. Well, it may be the worst thing for you. It is soooo important that you have a goal, mission, purpose, reason to live, reason to be alive! Otherwise, what's the point. I finally think I've got my mission figured out, which is to help people, in any way I can, through this channel, through beauty, being raw and authentic, so that others can replicate. I have decided to become the type of person I would wish to meet and have a conversation with, and be so comfortable that I can truly be myself. That is enough for me. I'm also starting my own business, and from all that, I know I'm doing what I was called to do. They're many things you could accomplish or do, it might not just be one thing! Being a good mother is one :)

You must find what those are deep down, and slowly work your way to them! I believe those are the true meaning of happiness, no anxiety, to stress, no depression. Remember, anxiety and depression are only here to assist you.

You also have a story to tell, click here.

Be well.

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Sweet, Sweet Misery (Aspartame & Anxiety)

Personally, this is a sensitive topic so I'm going to jump right into it, but before we plunge here's my headline:

Our anxiety, depression or alike symptoms, in some cases may not only be caused by our surrounding, as a matter of fact right next to attitude, diet affects our mood most primarily.

A brief description of what is aspartame - The Silent Killer

Based on top publishers, aspartame was found in 1967 by a Chemist named by James Schlatter, while simply testing, created this combination by "error". In 1977 a report by Bressler showing multiple tests that were conducted on animals, and in addition to this over 900 scientific studies all show that aspartame was linked a huge list of tragic side effects, including brain cancer, Alzheimer and even death. The substance was deemed unsafe by the FDA in 1980, yet somehow in 1983 the food additive, aka calorie-free sweetener was finally approved, and now is found in a massive of food selection. That's over 30 years ago!

Aspartame is a highly toxic substance when combined in this form and ingested by humans. According to an article written by Marco Torres, the chemical-like substance is easily absorbed by our skin membrane, meaning as soon as we take a sip or take that bite it is immediately absorbed in the mouth and straight through to our blood-brain barrier. What that means is these substances go straight to the brain and interferes with neurotransmitters. Talk about a headache, but this ain't no simple headache...

The three components are two amino acids Aspartic acide and Phenylalanine (normally found in the brain), and an alcohol called Methanol, which is naturally found in some food, yet when accompanied by pectin (in its natural state) it is completely harmless to human's health. Essentially, without getting into the gritty scientific details, when these substances are introduced to first the human body and then the brain, our neurotransmitters get "highly excited" which then leads cells to self-destruct by being overly stimulated, resulting to, yes, dead neural cells. If neurotransmitters are what communicate everything to our body, then think about the consequences of losing brain cells prematurely? The fact is that the results are terrifying, and mind as well leave the rest to our imagination. Tricking us in believing that we're absorbing "amino acids" doesn't seem to work for a lot of people, nor does it make sense, based on years on scientific research.

For a more profound explanation on the effect of aspartame there is an easy to understand article by PreventDisease.com, or simply Google or YouTube the effect of Aspartame, and simply see for yourself. I've been hearing plenty of debates from both parties, however conducted research have shown enough proof over decades, rather than just a statement, in other words I'd prefer listenning to my gut feeling, at this point.

It landed with multiple names such as the "Silent Killer", "Slow Killer", "Sweet Misery: A Poisoned World", "The Bitter Truth", and the most recent one the "AminoSweet" to mention a few. My thoughts on that is why does it require a name in the first place? It doesn't matter how you call it. Mind as well just keep it as the "Calorie-free sugar", bottom line it won't make it any safer for humans to ingest, nor will it rectify why it was approved as safe in the first place. I don't personally think we care for the why, I mean that it's for money or power over population, it's more a matter of understanding the substance for then opt towards making a wiser choice, or allow me to add a life or death choice.

Although the FDA and Health Canada allows aspartame and other similar artificial chemicals to be added to our foods, I personally strongly recommend that we watch for them to ensure they're not listed on the packaging of the foods we buy. The artificial sweeteners (food additive) that should be avoided are Acesulfame K  (Acesulfame Potassium), Saccharin, Sucralose, Neotame and then Aspartame ranking first place for hidden poisonous substances. However in 2002 Neotame came along and doesn't seem too too far back.

What does aspartame (food additives) have to do with anxiety or depression?

We may not always be able to associate our symptoms with a couple of packets of sugar we added to our coffee this morning, yet if a simple headache suddenly presents itself what do we do? We blame stress? Work or family issues? I was born having migraines? Lack of sleep? Dizziness, vision problem, irritability, insomnia, anxiety or even depression are very common side effects of long term use of aspartame (accumulated deposits). Not only it's toxic to our liver but it also destroys our precious brain cells, which we all know that without a proper function of the brain, we are pretty nothing, walking zombies. This is very serious stuff!

Here's how I personally experienced side effects of aspartame when I was first introduced to it roughly about 8 years ago:

I liked the idea of a sugar-free alternative, considering I was highly into nutrition, this seemed like a perfect fit, yet the universe didn't allow it for me for very long. I'd started alternating from color packets for my morning coffee instead of regular refined sugar. At first I hated the taste but eventually learned to accept it due to it's lack in calories. One morning out on the blue I got a headache (and I never get headaches), just around mid cup, and headache persisted each day. I also recall feeling weird, or just plain "not ok" and for no apparent reason, dizzy, low of energy and felt depressed. In my early twenties I had already established a pretty strict diet so there was really nothing else I could blame my headaches on. It wasn't too long after I made the link, immediately stopped using it, and began researching on the subject. Surprisingly enough my headaches stopped from coming back. I'd would freak out when my friends and family would use the colored sugars. I remember giving to friends and family "safe sugar lessons" as soon as I'd see one reach for the bad stuff. Yet I don't think no one really took me seriously. I can still taste that chimerical tingling feeling on my tongue when I think of it. Never touched it since.

Here are some of the not-so-softer side effects of frequent or long term intake of aspartame:

Abdominal pain Abnormal vision Aggression Anxiety Blindness Buzzing in ear Confusion Depression Diarrhea Dizziness or unsteadiness Drowsiness Excessive thirst Facial pain Fluid retention Headaches

Hearing impairment Heart palpitations  High blood pressure Hives Hyperactivity Insomnia Irritability Itching Joint pain Lack of focus Leg swelling Low blood sugar (hypoglycemia) Memory loss Migraines Nausea

Pain in eyes Panic attacks Personality changes Phobias Respiratory allergies (such as Asthma) Shortness of breath Seizure Sleepiness Sleeplessness Slurring of speech Suicidal thoughts Susceptibility to infection Tremors Water retention Weight gain

During my research, it was mentioned on a few occasions that they are close to 50 side effects, but truly do we really need to know more? I think we get the picture. The similarities of these side effects are so close to the ones of depression and anxiety. Perhaps the brain is the victimized one in both cases? Or is it a given? Or both? I'd like to think we've at least got this one under control.

If you're that person who drinks five cups of sweetened coffee per day, or diet drinks are what keep you going throughout the day, or your diet consists mostly of "diet" labeled food products, then you could be at risk and I strongly recommend that you do your own research on the subject or speak to your doctor about the harmful effects of aspartame. Also, if you've resonated with most of the above symptoms, perhaps an effective experiment would be to cut down or eliminate aspartame products from your diet for a week or two and see if your symptoms improve.

As much as these softer consequences sound pretty bad, researchers have found from testings that aspartame can mimic the following illnesses (but not limited to):

Alzheimer Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) Birth defects Brain tumor Brain cancer Chronic fatigue

EMS Epilepsy Fibromyalgia Grave’s disease Hypothyroidism Leukemia

Lupus Lyme disease Lymphoma Multiple sclerosis (MS) Non-hodgkins Parkinson Post-polio Worsen PMS

As you can see, if aspartame can actually cause such symptoms (and I don't think I'd wanna risk it), this is really nothing to joke about.

I'm ready to cut aspartame off of my diet, what should I avoid?

That you're dieting, simply eating a balanced diet, or maybe you're not attracted toward dieting at all, aspartame or any sort of artificial sweeteners should be avoided at all times to heal and generate new healthy brain cells. Quickly below is a list of the most common foods that may contain artificial sweeteners or aspartame, listed in alphabetical order:

• Baked goods (mostly commercially made)
• Candy
• Canned fruit
• Cereal
• Chewing gum
• Cooking sauces (low fat or calorie reduced)
• Coffer creamer
• Diet juice
• Diet soda
• Diet or slimming formulas
• Flavored water
• Granola bars
• Ice cream :(
• Jam and spread
• Jello
• Milk and substitutes (not sure on the status but it's certainly around)
• Powdered drink (Kool Aid or water flavoring powder)
• Protein supplements
• Pudding
• Redbull, energy drinks or replenishing drinks
• Salad dressing (low fat or calorie reduced)
• Table packet sweetener (aka pink, yellow and blue packets)
• Various kids' snacks :( :(
• Vitamin supplements (chewable and not chewable, including children's vitamin)
• Yogurt

...there are multiple THOUSANDS of them. Click here for a well formulated list. 

Here are the celebrity brands of artificial sweeteners that SHOULD be avoided at all costs: Blech, Equal, NutraSweet, Splenda, SugarTwin, Sweetos and Sweet'N Low.

Choosing a Calorie-free Sweetener

Based on my personal findings (and I read every single label with no exception--I have a very sensitive stomach), I saw that some natural sweeteners had been blended with artificial sweeteners, which technically adds even more confusion when seeking for a low calorie yet healthier alternative to refined sugars and artificial sweeteners. So when searching for a replacement make sure that it does not include any of these five food additives: Acesulfame K (Acesulfame Potassium), Aspartame, Saccharin, Sucralose or Neotame. Here is a simple table to help guide you through (simply stay away from the first column). My calorie-free safe sweetener of choice is Stevia extract.

Natural Sweeteners are Simply Natural

Now the best part. Sugar is never a good thing to begin with when we feel the need to add it to whatever we eat or drink, but let's face it, lots of us have a sweet tooth and life is beautiful! There are great alternatives and way better options to the artificial "stuff", and in addition to being safe options most of them offer vitamins, minerals, amino acids (complete real ones) antioxidants, anti-bacterial and antifungal properties (support to our gut--the heart of our health), help fight colds and flues and even prevent a list of illnesses! Talk about a happy switch! Read on their offerings and go with your gut! Fine, trace vitamins and minerals are low compared to food source, but this is why we have food. I present you my top 7 by preferences (also based availability and price):

1. Honey (raw or unpasteurized)
2. Maple syrup (100% pure)
3. Cane sugar (raw or unrefined)
4. Date sugar (grinding up dates--perfect for cooking and baking!)
5. Agave nectar (high in fructose)
6. Barley malt syrup (from sprouted barley)
7. Blackstrap molasse (derived from cane sugar)

Some may be high in glucose fructose, like honey, agave nectar and maple syrup, however when used in moderation and combined with solid unsweetened food they are fantastic for you. For those of you who must stay away from glucose or all sugars (diabetes), then the sugar alcohols sweeteners (considered safe) may be an option, but make sure to consult with a physician. 

Gums That Are Not So Deadly

The one that frightens me the most is gum, since the most popular brands add artificial sweeteners all being sugar-free products, with a whopping 2.5-30 mg of aspartame per piece!! Simply negatively remarkable (if you find a good online resource for this please do share it in the comments below). I'm not going to mention what are the daily doses that were recommended, reason being unlike alcohol, as it naturally drains through us with a good liver function, au contraire aspartame directly enters the brain and alters neuro cells to their deaths. This can lead to unwanted brain tumors and cancers, so the daily doses should be, nada. Just to think of how many people chew gum every day (including myself), then afterwards reach out for an Advil to ease the headache. It's not just a really nasty habit most are still oblivious to, aspartame is THE worse food additive ever added to food. 

There are so many companies that are as passionate as I am, who came up with safe, yet great tasting and long lasting gums. Although some ingredients may not be ideal, since we removed the worse from the package, the rest in moderation won't hurt as much. Personally, my favorite brand is Pur and my heart is set and I'll never go back! I offer a gum to strangers all the time (no joke), that's how I show I care ;) They come in 6 flavors, from minty to sweet to hot cinnamon and also come in value packs. Here are some other great options, Now we can chew away worry and aspartame free!

On The Go Foods

If you're out eating at a restaurant that's pretty simple, refrain yourself from requesting "diet" anything; diet pops, juices and even low fat or low calorie deserts. Some commercial brands still include sweeteners in their products although they're not diet, but if you absolutely want a soft drink then regular ones are a safer option. If you're one of those who absolutely love their pop and drink them regularly then I would recommend that you get to know your ingredients so that you can make a sound decision and not risk your health. You may also ask the waiter what kind of sweeteners they use in their cooking, so you can rest assure.

Grocery Foods for You and Your Family

If I were you I'd stay away from prepackaged foods labeled as "diet", "sugar-free", "low calories or low carbs", "reduced calories or reduced carbs", and carefully review the ingredients of foods labeled as "low fat", "fat-free", "Blue Menu", as well as foods "approved for diabetes", as you never know what could be of substitute to sugar or fat to make it sweet, creamy and great satisfying options.

My personal verdict?

READ YOUR LABELS! It's really that simple, and you'll do yourself a lot of good and illness prevention. If the label only displays "Artificial Sweeteners" it's mostly likely aspartame or one in the same family.

From further readings I surprising found out that aspartame may also increase body weight, one, by tricking the brain that we're introducing it sugar calories when we're not, so our body responds by restoring fat, just like it would in a state of starvation, and second, the neurotransmitters are gravely disturbed to the point that the brain is longer able to transmit proper messages to the body. Aspartame is also known to be highly addictive. Our bodies are designed to work with foods, not with mimic-sugar-like-chemicals--Thanks science, but I'll stick with mother nature's science.

Just like we prefer to stay away from MSG, artificial coloring and flavoring, aspartame hits first place or somewhere close to MSG. By reorienting ourselves towards healthier food selections we'll also naturally be avoiding other potentially harmful ingredients.

You'll find that you'll quickly get the hang of this (if it's something you're wanting), and who knows maybe you'll learn to enjoy it ;) Reading your labels takes only one minute, and also shows you're interested in what you're putting in your body. We have one body--let's take care of it before "substances" take care of it!

Don't be afraid to take a good step forward if you feel you've been victimized--it's never too late to click undo.

Hope you've found this informative, and please, please share!

Namaste

Sources:
Deep Roots At Home
Eatingrules.com
Wakingtimes.com
Preventdisease.com
Dorway.com
Aspartame.mercola.com
Youtube source
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3 Easy Steps To Finally Realize Your Core Fear (Part 2 of 2)

In part 2 we will explore techniques on how to dig into our emotions so that the heart of the symptom can be revealed, which is our core fear imprint.

Important note: Just so that you are aware, I will be brutally honest with myself in order to show you live examples, and extreme sensitive matters will be revealed.

In Part 1 we looked at The Art of Asking Questions, and how imperative it is to allow ourselves to ask questions when we feel something is not quite right. We recommend that you check out 3 Easy Steps To Finally Realize Your Core Fear (Part 1 of 2) before going into these final 2 steps.

Step 2: Locating Secondary Fears That Will Lead You To The Core

Core fears are what govern our every move, thought, action and emotions, thus effect our physical, mental and emotional behaviours. They reside in our subconscious mind and contradict our highest good or well-being, consequently cause us pain. It's like living with a roommate whom you just can't seem to get along with. Well, it's time to break the lease!

Analysis for your visual: You try to bring a plant back to life, which you have been ignoring for years, by going back in time (of course with a time machine) and provide it water and sunlight so that the damages of today can be reversed. This process is the exact same concept, except no need for a time machine, just a bit of imagination ;)

As shown in the previous diagram from Part 1, there could be many secondary fears branching off of that one source fear, also called the heart of the fear. But if we look at the surface level what we will see are by-products of the actual root problem. So let's take a quick look at examples of what our core fear may be:

• Abandoned, Ignorance, Loneliness, Neglect, Rejection or Undesired
  opposites: accepted, attention, cherished, comforted, connection, desired, expression, reassured, wanted
• Betrayed, Deceived, Mislead, Undervalued
  opposites: justice, accepted, affection, appreciated, cherished, loved, valued
• Humiliation, Judgment, Misunderstood or Misinterpreted 
  opposites: accepted, loved, heard, respected, understood, valued
• Danger, Insecurity or Uncertainty 
  opposites: comfort, peace, reassured, safety, security, survival
• Despair, Failure, Inferior, Powerlessness or Lost of Control 
  opposites: hope, faith, encouraged, confidence, powerful, succeed, determination, control, self-worth, purpose
• Disconnection or Emptiness
  opposites: awareness, connected, one-self, being, belonging, purpose
• Unhappiness, Unfulfilled 
  opposites: complete, fulfilled, joyfulness, peacefulness, purpose
• Unimportant or Worthlessness 
  opposites: capable, efficient, important, worthy

Here is a diagram displaying examples of how our core fear will branch off in to multiple secondary fears:

Sound familiar? If so good! We're one step closer...

Now that we've narrowed it down to one or a few core fears, let's choose the most dominant one to work with today during this exercise. Perhaps the one that stood out the most simply by observing these examples or the secondary beliefs you've come up with. The other ones can be visited when you feel ready or if you feel necessary.

Tip: If you can't narrow it down to one main fear, think about a bad experience you once lived where it caused you to fear. Then, summarize it in one simple sentence using your own words, as if you're expressing your concern to a loved one, finally right it down and use it to start this process. Hint: you know you're on the right track if you resonated with one or more of its opposites.

Step 3: Finding The Dominant Core Fear

During Part 1 we looked at The Art of Asking Questions and trusting that our mind will take us to the exact moment we want to be. This is pretty much what we're doing again this time, but we'll get slightly more specific.

Now that you've deliberately been brought closer to the source of the problem and feel ready to take it further, we will now dive in and take it to the final step, and we will do so with a simple mental exercise using our imagination in order to allow us to go "back in time".

To begin, while you're holding on to that thought, observe yourself (always in 3rd person perspective) experiencing it again as if you're watching your own child (or yourself as an adult), and then feel every emotion you were experiencing in that moment, like his or hers emotions were directly communicated to you. Let and invite the emotions rise to the surface naturally. By not thinking and only observing, ask yourself these additional probing questions:

1. When did I first feel this emotion?
2. Who was I surrounded by?
3. Where was I?
4. When did I last feel this emotion?
5. What am I afraid of?
6. Why am I afraid of it?

Feel free to use your own words to describe how you feel exactly. For the sake of this post I kept it cleaner. It should look something like this:

1. When did I first feel this emotion?  between 5 and 6 years old
2. Who was I surrounded by?  no one
3. Where was I?  in my bed
4. When did I last feel this emotion?  last year (in my bed again)
5. What am I afraid of?  for myself, to be alone, to be with someone, to be stuck with someone, to be unwanted, captured, told what to do, my survival, for my family
6. Why am I afraid of it?  I fear never I will be happy

It's absolutely normal to cry while you're consciously re-living your emotions, in fact why don't you take this moment for yourself and let it all out. If you don't cry or feel anything that's Ok too, just keep going with the process and repeat if needed. It's also normal if you start seeing indirect scenarios, this simply means they share the same fear or a secondary fear, and as temping as they may be try to keep your attention on that initial moment. Observation: if your mind repeatedly goes back to another moment, then move on it. Some wounds just need to be acknowledged and your work is done :)

Finally, the last part to this process is to take it a tiny bit further by breaking down your final answer from question 6, or your own sentence you wrote a moment ago, and ask yourself these two probing questions in an alternate matter. Think as if you're trying to find out the truth behind what seems to be a lie ;) This will invite the true core fear to come out. Here are the questions that have been used by many leaders over again:

1. What does that mean to you?
2. How would that be so bad?

Starting from "I fear never I will be happy", it shall look somewhat like this:

1. How would that be so bad?  life is pointless if I can't be happy
2. What does that mean to you?  it means that there is no point to keep on living
3. How would that be so bad?  I guess it's not
4. What does that mean to you?  I don't care for my life
5. How would that be so bad?  asking for self-destruction
6. What does that mean to you?  that I don't care about myself
7. How would that be so bad?  not caring for others
8. What does that mean to you?  I'm selfish
9. How would that be so bad?  no one will want to be with me
10. What does that mean to you?  I will always be alone
11. How would that be so bad?  won't experiencing love
12. What does that mean to you?  I will slowly die inside
13. How would that be so bad?  an illness will take over me
14. What does that mean to you?  I'm giving up on myself
15. How would that be so bad?  giving up on everyone else
16. What does that mean to you?  that I'm a quitter
17. How would that be so bad?  I'm selfish...

As you can see from my attempt, team work would do a much better job at this. Also there are no right or wrong as to which question should be followed next. Simply go with the one that resonates most. You can even ask both at the same time and or let your intuition decide. In my example I chose to alternate between the two and actually found it a bit difficult to promptly get to a satisfying destination.

People who tend to live "in a lie" (and you know who you are) will find this exercise very hard as for their answers won't be coherent nor will they align with their experiences, therefore they will find it contradictory, probably wont enjoy the process at all, or may even find it particularly "pointless", because they refuse to see the truth.

After going in circles, in my case my core fear seems to be selfish. I fear being seen as selfish. What does this mean in my everyday life experiences? Every action I take, words I say, and thought I think are branches of this core belief that I unconsciously have of myself. For instance, when I say no to going on a date or going out with friends, I feel selfish. When I have an opportunity to help someone but it's minus 30 outside, I feel selfish. When I buy groceries, I feel selfish. Guilt, worthless and insecurity could also be other core beliefs of mine, and I'm excited to continue to explore my roots. I could go on and on but I think by now you have a good idea.

It's not the belief that we fear, and in fact we want to thank it for allowing us to see another side of us that we may not be aware of. It is the consequences that follow as secondary fears, (e.g., pain, aches, stress, anxiety. reputation, career, friends, family, love, etc.), thoughts (e.g., self-pity, worthless, self-destructive thoughts, negative thinking) and actions (e.g., self-destructive acts, isolation, hesitating, missing out on opportunities, or over doing it to suppress the pain).

You can also try this process with smaller issues, such as something that gets on your nerves or something you often complain about, and start straight from those two alternating questions. You'd be amazed how aligned it all sums up.

Doing this mental exercise can be extremely powerful in many ways when done with pure honesty, by yourself or with a partner, but it is imperative that you first are willing to accept whatever will be revealed from your past. You must agree to this statement before considering, in other words you have to be willing to face the truth.

I hope you will have as much fun with this process as we did, and hope it can be helpful to you or to someone who needs support. Please don't be shy to leave your comments as we would truly love to hear from your experience.

If you're looking for a quick and very effective way to relieve your anxiety and depression symptoms, then you might also enjoy our other article about 4 Powerful Reasons Why Anxiety Is Your Friend (With Tips!).

If you would like to contribute to our blog by sharing your own personal story on how you struggle with anxiety or how you have defeated depression, please click here :)

Happy Self-revealing!

Share the love ♥

Namaste

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3 Easy Steps To Finally Realize Your Core Fear (Part 1 of 2)

Questionable thought, questionable feeling, questionable emotion, questionable symptom, questionable anxiety, questionable depression, questionable meaning of your own life's purpose?

Everything can be questioned. I simply can't get enough of questioning myself, well also about everything. It provides me so much insight as to what are my personal problems beneath the surface, which were completely unknown to me, and even though the answers are not always what I expected, it's good to get to know me :)

They said "what ain't broken can't be fixed" (I love this quote!), so if it's all good then you must be on the right track, though improvement is always welcomed! But maybe there's something wrong going on in your life, maybe you've lost hope, nothing seems to come together or make any sense, or maybe it simply doesn't "feel" right. Well then there are no questions there, there is something wrong, something is blocking you, so there is something to question about.

Philosophers, life-coaches, spiritual teachers, etc., all seem to agree on this one philosophy, which sounds something like:

If you want to achieve greatness you must first let go of what's holding you back.

In this case the "unwanted" will be our core belief. It feels like we're constantly going back to this issue, because there is really no way around it:

The belief which lies in our subconscious mind will dominate all other beliefs we think we hold.

Maybe these 5 examples would be properly adequate to help you visualize:

1. Money doesn't grow on trees, mother repeated, so today you struggle financially.
2. You have a bad relationship with one or both of your parents, and today you're seeing a mirroring effect in your relationships.
3. You felt a lack of love as a child, and today you wonder why no one else wants you.
4. As a child you were told that you were no good and useless, and today you feel unworthy.
5. You were bullied in school, and today you have low self-esteem.

Today what we're going to do is to find out what are those branches growing off of our most predominant fear, and then work with it in order to finally ease the pain associated with it, or better, delete symptoms that may be a by-product of one or more past experiences. Anxiety, for example is a by-product of a fear which has manifested in a time way before we even started having symptoms of anxiety. Let's flip the coin around: our body is being dominated by an unknown fear stuck in our subconscious mind and is re-lived through each of our experiences. It doesn't matter if we saw it coming and recognized it, or if we had absolutely no idea we feared a particular fear, either or the emotion which rises at the surface is a fear from deep within us.

They say that as a child, more precisely before the age of eight, we have yet learned to understand our feelings in order to express them as emotions. Therefore we couldn't deliberately choose to accept or reject a particular feeling, thus by default we've adopted them all, negative or positive feelings. That is mainly the reason as to why today we keep attracting the same events which are a match to those feelings. In other words we've adopted these patterns which lie in our subconscious mind, which is THE most dominant consciousness. Understanding what are the "Royalty" controlling our everything is the first step to unleashing ourselves from those past experiences that no longer serve us.

As we all know, our fears expressed in the form of emotions can be manifested through an illness, anxiety, depression, a particular event or person, a thought or a future event or scenario (e.g., how will I pay rent this month, or how will my future look like 10 years from now). So, what do these fears have to do with the core issue? Everything... let us detail with a few scenarios:

1. Will I ever come out of this financial struggle?
2. Why do people make me feel rejected?
3. Why do people hate me?
4. Why do people make me feel worthless?
5. Why do people make me feel angry?

You may find that you can replace the noun people with a distinct name, and that is even better.

Now let's take a quick look at this converging diagram for a brief moment:

This example represents worthless as being the core fear, and we can see clearly how it's branching off as different assignments, but ultimately they are all by-products of not being worthy.

If only the root fear never existed, there would be means for the secondary fears to exist.

From this observation, we may want to blame, for instance the fear of reputation, but because a fear cannot be manifested overnight, yet it requires years of affirmation, convincing and many replicated back-up scenarios for a fear to become a dominant fear. For example, if your core fear is worthless, it was certainly not caused by a couple of people telling you that you were worthless.

Ignoring our fears is really not the best thing you can do for yourself, although it may help reduce the emotional pain momentarily, however in the long run it can only continue to grow branches. It would be like switching your attention towards something that feels more positive, while the fear lingering in you awaits another opportunity to arise, once again.

Now dwelling on our financial problems instead of looking at possible solutions is focusing on the problem only, but the core belief behind the financial problem is what requires our attention, and it's what's causing us physical and emotional pain, so it's essentially not the fact that we can't pay our rent.

So how can we find out what are our core fears? We can do so in 3 simple and easy steps:

Step 1: It's Time To Ask Questions

First, we need to find what is troubling us, what are we afraid of, what event, people or circumstances seem to cause us the most physical, emotional and mental suffering, and we can do this by simply asking ourselves questions. This should be done at the time a fearful emotion has manifested, but anytime you feel ready is also good, whatever feels alright with you.

Now that you've purposely chosing to hold on to one fearful emotion or a parallel moment, ask it about its originality by using probing questions such as the below. This will activate the critical thinking part of the brain:

1. What am I afraid of?
2. When was it?
3. Where was I?
4. Who was I surrounded by?
5. Why am I afraid of it?

You may add to these questions and dig as deep as you possibly can. This may require a bit more time for some people depending on how suppressed the core fear is, or to others it may come very easily. Simply let your mind do all the work, let your mind take you where you want to be, let go of any thoughts and completely surrender to it and trust that it will show you what you're seeking. Do not try to force the process by provoking a thought or a "desired" scenario, or worse suppress the emotion from coming to the surface. This is a good time to be brutally honest with yourself. Trust that your mind knows you best :)

Important note: Before beginning with this process please keep in mind that you don't necessarily want to "relive" that moment, but instead what you're looking for is to "revisit" it as the older version of you, and observe that point in time (from the 3rd person perspective) and allow the experience bring up for you memories, flashes, images, words or any feelings or emotions from this moment. Since the heart of the fear was most likely manifested as a child you may not necessarily see pictures or images, but you may only feel the emotions surrounding that fear.

To conclude with step 1, simply take note or perhaps have a friend take note for you of every bits and pieces you were able to subtract from this experience. You will be surprised how much will be revealed to you; blueprints you were unaware of, and most importantly you will recognize what are those negative imprints that have been governing your life up until now.

We hope you have fun with this simple exercise and don't forget to smile once in while :)

In 3 Easy Steps To Finally Realize Your Core Fear (Part 2 of 2) we will learn effective techniques on how to narrow it down to one predominant fear and navigate The Art Self-Revealing, only one fear at a time ♥

Namaste

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4 Powerful Reasons Why Anxiety Is Your Friend (With Tips!)

We can choose to look at our anxiety as the enemy, something that wants to harm us, something that wants to destroy us, or even eliminate us from this earth, but with a little imagination we can look at it from a completely different perspective... it's really up to you. Which perspective are you choosing?

1. Become Friends With It, Since It's Asking For Your Approval Anyway

As we know, the first step towards allowing self-healing is acceptance, though it may be easier said than done, it is very much necessary. Why? Because ignoring the problem will only temporally "store it" until it ceases the opportunity to rise back up to the surface and say Hey you! Did you forget about me? With that exact tone... let's be precises here.

We are conscious that by pushing against the unwanted we're actually not pushing it away, but really what we're doing it pretending like it's not there, but where does it go? In our subconscious, yep.

Our fears have only two places to go, in or out. The places, people, events or memories we fear most, at any level of intensity, along with what causes us the most pleasure, are all engraved in our subconscious mind. They serve us all day long, every day, with no exceptions, just like constant feedback mechanism, and it does so to in order to protect us against harm! Yes...

Our subconscious knows precisely what to look for in every situation; it finds the core emotion behind the lived experience (in this case negative memory), which is most appropriate to our current environment, and then converts in a way that we can understand it, to a thought. Next, this thought generates the utmost appropriate feeling or emotion attached to it so that we're well aware of "how we feel" about it this particular experience, since we're unable to read our mind at a subconscious level. Hence the unpleasant or unwanted feeling coming from nowhere. Here's an abstract example:

If you quit on doing your dishes for a week, bacteria will wondrously start forming. By ignoring it, not only it won't go away my itself, but the unpleasant smell that lingers in your home will keep on reminding you to "do your dishes".

It's no wonder, it's a support system -- to support a healthy mind-body-and-soul.

We must be brutally honest with ourselves and see it as what is, and not for what "it seems". In other words our bodies tell us that there's something honestly wrong, and if left unattended it will begin to show physically (physical illness), mentally (mental illness) and spiritually (disconnection). There are no such thing as a false alarm when it comes to our human nature. 10 years later, we begin to feel pain, we get physically ill, mentally ill, or in conjunction with one another.

So, what does it mean to accept our anxiety? In essence it is you accepting it for letting you see what you are truly afraid of, thus something that was long forgotten is now found, and now today you can free yourself from it. A fear is usually attached to a childhood memory. The reason why they are fears today is simply that they were never properly addressed, then other circumstances resulted to confirm that very fear, but only today, it feels much heavier. It may be far, but today it's asking for your full attention, forgiveness, as well and self-forgiveness.

Our subconscious holds many secrets, but sooner or later they will be revealed, in fact they are revealed to us every day, we just don't see it as is. Accepting our anxiety is really about agreeing with the idea that our symptoms are actually triggered by negative aspects of our lives, even though we may did not consciously choose upon them before the symptoms or panic occurred. So, it's time to face our dishes and just do them already!

2. Your fears Are Here To Guide You

I fear me, I fear you, I fear my anxiety, I fear everything! I may just be going in fear!

Anxiety is manifested out of fears, and the last thing we want to do is to stay stuck in a fear cycle, which sort of looks like this diagram:

Once the core fear alarmed more fears as secondary you could possibly find yourself panicking and feeling stuck in this overwhelming dance of fears, which logically will feel quite confusing. But let's not fear! Because we also know that what we persist resist, so there is no difference when it comes down to our own fear of anxiety! Meaning, since fear needs fear to persist, there is really no common sense in feeding it more fear, right? To add, fear is really only in our heads...

Remember that our feelings are really just a mirror of our thoughts, so by reminding ourselves that we have control over our thoughts, we then gain an immense sense of relief, and our feelings and emotions are no longer out of whack. Our thoughts are nothing more than a "product" of oneself, however if they no longer serve us any good, we can reduce emotional negative behavior simply by being aware of what we're thinking, and deliberately choose to either stick with it (causes us to feel good), or get rid of it (causes us to feel bad). It's like mastering a new game, the self-awareness game, perhaps?

For instance, in that moment when you feel that tightness in your chest, or that head-rush, or your heart is beating faster, keep calm, remain focused, take control over your breathing and bring each breath to a slower pace, then take a deeper breath and visualize exhaling the fear out of your system from your mouth. Repeat as necessary, until the fear is no longer dominant.

If you're ready to take it to the next level and begin an emotional healing process. Ask yourself these questions: Why you think you fear this particular thought (aka memory). When was the first time it took place? Was it recent? Can you stop fearing today it or will it require diligent effort? Perhaps try these 5 simple steps:

1. Think about what causes you to feel this emotion
2. Find that core memory and feel the emotion
3. Understand why it happened the way that it did
4. Give your forgiveness to everyone involved, including to yourself
5. Find peace within yourself while holding that image in your head

Here is a great video supporting the idea of healing our emotional body: How To Heal The Emotional Body - Teal Swan.

Remind yourself that you are your thoughts, thus you are in control, and not your fears -- they are only your messengers ;)

3. Your Triggers Are Only Insisting Reminders

Our triggers were unfortunately not taught to "knock before you enter", nor do they call ahead of time as a friendly "head-up". It's kind of like an unexpected friend surprising us with a box full of jumping spiders... go figure. The question is, why?

When we think of something that surprisingly makes us anxious, or afraid, or insecure, that's when we know we're dealing with one of our triggers. They come from all directions; circumstances, past events, places, people, and although we may not be at that very moment thinking about them, unconsciously we are. Let's just call them engraved triggers.

We usually associate our triggers based on how we feel or our emotions, but really they come from beyond that; our thoughts. Are thoughts are what ultimately cause us to feel those painful feelings and emotions. Yet, some people may say that they did absolutely nothing to invite that thought, or others may say that they were occupied with laundry and obviously not in a negative state of mind, however, that simply cannot be,

nothing exists without first being in a form of a thought, in other words what causes us to feel anxious is nothing less than us resisting a thought.

Please let us explain further with an example:

You're talking to a friend about a show you're thinking to attend, while your subconscious is looking for evidence (positive or negative) to support you in this moment, then surprisingly enough it finds a negative memory attached to a similar scenario, consequently when all seemed fine you suddenly start to feel your throat tighten up and you begin to choke on your words.

Everything we do is ultimately attached to a memory.

We may have multiple triggers or it may only be one that shows up again and again, but the importance is that we recognize them; what they are, how we feel about them and where they originate from. Or we can also ask ourselves these specific questions: What makes me want to crumble in to a ball or run away? What makes me feel uncomfortable? What do I dislike the most?

Asking yourself any questions really can help guide you in the direction of clarity. Once you've narrowed them to a few, ask yourself these follow-up questions: What are these feelings or emotions linked to? And what are they trying to tell me?

Below are some suggestions of other common triggers:

• public speaking (e.g., social anxiety, low self-esteem or low confidence)
• specific phobia (e.g., physical illness, anxiety symptoms, car crash, heights, etc.)
• social interaction (e.g., social anxiety or low self-worth or self-esteem)
• a particulate person (attached to a negative event or memory)
• a specific location (linked to a traumatic memory, person or event)
• anxiety (fear of symptom or panic attacks)
• death (continuously fearing your death)
• memories (linked to a traumatic memory, person or event)
• your destiny (not achieving your goals, not finding that soul-mate, etc.)
• money (not getting enough money or not making as much as you wished for)
• illness (fear of getting ill, aka Hypochondriasis or Nosophobia)
• the list is really endless...

A memory is a thought at the subconscious level. These triggers can reveal themselves in the form of a thought or an image, and each is linked to its own unique engraved dominant feeling. Hence the way you feel is appropriate based on your personal experience. Your triggers may be obvious to you, or they may not be, but it is your duty to find out what they are.

Understand what are your insecurities or fears, or better, by knowing where they come from this will give you the key to the door of your anxiety mystery. Learning to face our fears is exceptionally healing. Reassuring ourselves by introducing the theory that there are no good reasons to fear our anxiety or our symptoms can be extremely reassuring, yet it is only temporary. What you want to do is catch it at the subconscious level, and handle it from the root, where it was undoubtedly initially born.

4. Anxiety is Not Reassuring, but You Can Be

These 7 uplifting reminders are simply to come in handy during those hard times:

1. Everything happens for a reason, so there is no reason to be afraid. Ask yourself questions.
2. Nothing lasts forever, but it will if we choose to ignore it.
3. With knowledge, the right tools, our will, dedication, and with greater self-awareness, we can learn to move through life's challenges by recognizing that they are here to teach us, not to harm us.
4. We must listen very closely to what our body is saying, we must take action, and learn.
5. Life is our greatest teacher, and the only way to speak to us is through experiences.
6. You have chosen to be here, find what is your black so that your white becomes evident.
7. Self interrogation gives you mind clarity.

We must be brutally honest with ourselves, while also remaining true to ourselves. Discover who you really are by the contrast of your experiences, and love the life you indented to live. No doctor can see through you, at least not the way that you can ;)

Namaste

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Fearing Anxiety or A Panic Attack? Not Today!

I fear...

• pain
• lost
• failure
• not "making it"
• hopelessness
• my well-being
• other's well-being
• my reputation
• my career
• my health
• anxiety
• a panic attack, etc.

Fear seems to be the root of all evil, and for those who live with a type of anxiety disorder, that it's Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Panic Disorder (PD), Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Separation Anxiety Disorder or a specific phobia, all imply to be reunited under the umbrella of fear.

If we look closely at the word "fear" we are able to comprehend why our bodies react the way they do:

Fear
[ fir ]
noun
— a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined.

Now let's look at its antonyms:

Antonyms:
— courage, security, calm, intrepidity, assurance, calmness, cheer, confidence, contentment, ease, faith, happiness, joy, trust, comfort, liking, love, bravery, courage, fearlessness, heroism, unconcern.

The reason for this close-up is to carefully examine the two extremes: the effect it has on us, and what we can do to help prevent this unwanted feeling. Whether the fear we have is real or imaginary, the effects are very much the same.

When we think of an event that took place or a future scenario which cause us negative emotions or feelings, it may accelerate into a stronger emotion such as fear, even though it is not actually happening. This fear is only imaginary -- it is NOT real, only it "feels" like it is.

As we know fear is subsequent to some kind of real life events or lived experiences, however we can be left reassured that fear is not a manifestation forthcoming the event or experience itself, but a manifestation within our minds.

There are a number of reasons for one to be afraid of, and of course those depend on each and one of us as we all have walked different paths. For example, personally I fear of public speaking and heights. I find that my anxiety is easily triggered when I'm about to speak in front of multiple people, (e.g., at a meeting) v.s one on one. Also, my fear of heights seems to obstruct my ability to enjoy a nice sunny day on my balcony from the 11th floor. These may be common but not for everyone. So what now, should I continue "live in fear" or is there something I can do to get over these?

Here is something I'd like to share with you which has helped me tremendously when in a fearful situation:

Firstly, fear, when recognized, can then be controlled. It's when we don't know what's happening to us that we continue to fear, and for the majority of us there are no apparent reasons behind it. The magical revolution of knowing about our fears, and most importantly accepting them for what they are and showing themselves to us, can make the entire difference when we're in a panicky mode.

Secondly, the moment that fear decides to show itself, that it's due to an obvious situation where we would normally be fearful, or while completing a daily task, fear is an emotion, just like any other, which can be controlled or avoided, bottom line -- fear is in our heads.

Finally, here are a few tricks (memos and self-talks) that perhaps can also be helpful to you:

Fear of heights

If you are grounded you are very much safe, and you won't go nowhere! There is nothing to fear about, in fact let go of that fear and trust. There is absolutely nothing else to do, but trust.

Social phobia or fear of public speaking

You are who you are and no one else has a say in it. As long as you are comfortable and accept yourself for who you've become or who you will become, your only duty is to be that person. Detach yourself from other's options, thoughts and judgments of you, because they don't define you, they define them. So don't over think or analyse anything -- just express yourself with respect, confidence and freedom.

Fear of anxiety

Oh dear anxiety, how I wish I never met you. Though, I am happy that you were able to give me a better understanding of myself, my insecurities, my fears, and my emotional behaviours. I now know, because of you, that I was doing it all wrong. However, today I choose not to make you a part of me anymore (my fears), and unconditionally and with all due respect, you are dismissed -- as if you were never here. Now moving on without you. Take Care.

Fear of a panic attack

These can be tricky, as they come and go and sometimes with no warnings. A panic attacks happens when our body feels as if it's in danger, and it reacts by producing a burst of adrenaline as a force to protect itself in case of danger (I'd like to emphases on the "in case"), just like it would in a real moment of danger. In fact, constantly "living in fear" has to come with some kind of side effect. But know that there is no "real" danger. By fearing our anxiety or another panic attack, the only thing this is actually doing is giving them our attention, and so they will respond by coming back. We should NOT let them "unreal fears" take over our majestic powerful and dominating minds. What we can do in a moment of fear (especially when alone in panic) is to remain silent, try to reassure and calm ourselves down, acknowledge that our body is responding only accordingly, not to think of why and instead just acknowledge, close our eyes (at least try if you can), find that inner peace that lies beneath the pain, feel the nothingness that can be found. and slowly let the pain find its way out. We should always stay focused and not let go until we feel calm and completely reassured. Then, move on with your day knowing you just defeated a panic attack, and well aware that you are in control. A panic attack doesn't have to last for hours, or not even for 5 minutes. The length of a panic attack will depend on us, and our surrounding, of course.

Conclusion

Know that these specific fears (whatever they may be) are only a manifestation of the mind, and for that being said there are actually no real reasons to fear. The more we commit to our fear the more likely it will pursuit, yet the quicker we put our attention away from it and focus on peacefulness or nothingness that actually exists, the quicker we will reconnect with ourselves, and realize that we are in control.

The fear of living with anxiety or yet to live another panic attack is a fear within itself, and it's powerful enough to keep us in fear for a long time. However, the power of the mind is significantly stronger than any fear, and practicing techniques such as this one is an art -- the art of mindfulness.

We've got this -- we ARE in control! Fear? Bring it on! We can handle you!

Namaste

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How I Am Managing My Chronic Anxiety

I come from a fairly large family composed of five girls, and let me tell you things would go "missing" quite often in the household! Though, this doesn't speak for the financial struggles associated with a single mother trying her best to raise a family on a low income. The fact that we were girls certainly didn't stop us from eating like growing teenage boys, which financially speaking obviously didn't help. We learned to live with the bare minimum and everything else was considered a luxury, thus we all had to get a job and work for it. Today I wonder if these absences and experiences have anything to do with mt stress level, depression and anxiety. Despite of it all, I was a very happy child and left lucky to have such a wonderful family and a roof over our heads. I was filled with hopes and dreams, hope that one day things would all make sense and fall into place, or in other words. I'd finally wake up from this dream.

I never really stressed over much. and always looked on the bright side on things. Not that I understood what those dark roads meant, but I knew very well that worrying wouldn't help anything, and I made sure to express that to everyone around me. I was that middle child who never sweated the small things, and was soon named the "Zen" one of the five.

Personally, I've always been a master at day-dreaming; my mother would constantly remind me to get out of the clouds, however I'd prefer playing other scenarios in my head over my reality. That was me at home. Though, school was different. For popularity reasons I didn't fit in very well so I soon saw myself as different, weird, or plain "not normal", when comparing myself to others. However I didn't feel the need to be accepted or understood by schoolmates or kids from my neighborhood, and in fact I truly enjoyed being on my own, because this way I would avoid dealing with other's expectations of me. I was able to just "be me" and not really care about my reputation. But there was one major problem, which was that I would keep to myself and forget to associate with others, thus, I would keep everything inside. As a child, I couldn't understand the consequences from not expressing myself; my worries, your troubles, my opinions and emotions, brief, what I expected from others and what I wanted in life. It was only in my early twenties when "things got a bit sour", I think I was beginning a depression.

What is depression? Please allow me to go back and explain in my own words:

First, nothing mattered, nothing to look forward to and nothing would excite me anymore. Everyone around me would seem happy but me, and I couldn't understand how they could possibly be happy, walk with confidence and even smile. There seemed to be a huge gap between my world and their worlds. My world was dark and theirs didn't seem right either, because nothing felt right... nothing.

Of course, getting up in the morning was very uncomfortable and obviously had no point to it. The minute I'd wake up my entire body would hurt and I couldn't stop or prevent it even if I wanted to. I'd stay up until sunrise and yet I would accomplish absolutely nothing. I was completely lost, with no drive whatsoever, no ambition, no idea how to get myself out of it; if I would requite external help or I carry the weight on my own. It was nothing compared to what I had ever experienced, much darker and scarier, more life death, like a walking zombie lost in an unknown world. My dreams which once felt doable now left unrealistic, and even my life was uncertain.

I felt the need to distance myself from my friends and family so that they wouldn't feel the mental and physical pain I was in. I isolate and question everything; my existence, anyone's existence for that matter, and the meaning of life. My self-confidence and self-esteem were non-existent. I would even ask myself why would anyone want to be confident? That's just egotistic... and what's the point of living?

Seeing people happy would irritate me and only get on my nerves. I simply could not relay with no one. I would lose patience over meaningless things. My mind would constantly wonder from left and right, and mostly scary thoughts, which had taken total control over my life. All I only wanted was to find a reason to be and some peace of mind, just for a short moment. My feelings were all over the place with no understanding as to why they were. It was like a roller-coaster, going from one thought to the next, from one emotion to another, and being the rational type only made it worse, since I'd try to process my own thought process, so you can only imagine how crazy I felt at times. From not caring when someone was getting engaged or had a new job, to having no empathy for nothing and nobody. I felt guilt, pain, danger, afraid and lonely. Life had completely changed its course, painful and just pointless. I didn't know what was happening to me nor did I have a clue how I would get out of this, if someone would come and save me, or if I would have to carry the weight on my own, once again...

I started to fear everything, including my own self and refection. I had no self-defense, no self-control or desire to care for myself. It felt like I was going through some type of mental illness, self-disconnection, lack of self-confidence or self-esteem, or perhaps a combination of all. Completing the puzzle felt impossible, and even peaking through just to get an insight on how it looked on the other side wasn't working for me. The physical pain became unbearable and my ability to process thoughts became even more difficult. I'd get a headache just by thinking which was certainly not normal or healthy. The accumulation and combination of the physical, mental and emotional symptoms took a hold on me, and finally, my dear friend Anxiety came knocking. At that point, depression wasn't so bad after all.

One of the worse experience I ever had to go through was getting myself to work and back. Here's a bit of a scenario on how it took place:

Every morning I'd get on the public transit for a forty-five minute commute to work. I had to mentally prepare myself for this in order to keep myself straight and focused, however it worked only maybe 50% of the time. Every stop, person talking, bell ringing, door opening and closing and even the noise of the bus running would trigger my symptoms of anxiety and would turn into mini panic attacks. I felt completely stupid for it and so I had to step out and attempt at the next one so that I would make it to my destination safe and sound. Sometimes it would take four buses to make it there. I'm not sure how I repeated that for years. I guess I just had to be places.

Some other symptoms I'd experience at home (or anywhere) were: afraid of falling asleep, sudden waking during sleep, trembling, sweaty palms, cold sweats, difficulty speaking or expressing myself, irritability, easily provoked, sensitivity to loud noises and light, shorten of breath and trouble catching my breath, bad posture, back, neck, shoulder, leg and arm pain, numbness in my extremities, foggy mind and blurry vision, skin rash and oily skin, hair loss (I now keep it short and like it that way), fear of dying and passing out, fear of loosing it, public phobia, monophobia, autophobia, claustrophobia, complete self-disconnection and difficulty looking at my own reflection.

I actually had to take myself to the hospital on a few occasions, but only to be sent back home and told that there was nothing wrong with me, and that it was all a playback in my head. Stubborn as I was I refused to accept the medication doctors prescribed me because I wanted to fix the problem from the root, instead of covering the symptoms. I knew that if I would go on medication I would only distant further from myself, my dignity and the little bit of self-awareness I had left. Now back at step one. Deep down I truly felt like a complete idiot for going through this, and I was afraid that maybe I had developed a mental illness, since it was confirmed by physicians... that it was all in my head.

Surprisingly enough I did notice that I was capable of controlling most of my symptoms, and also even prevent those mini attacks from actualizing. Well then since it's either all in my head or not at all, I then began exploring other methods, techniques and avenues. which today serve me greatly and will always remain in my self-help tool box. The followings seemed to have helped me the most: mediation, yoga, music (natural sounds, vibrations, mantras) and self-talk. Another tip which I found very helpful was imagine myself in a moment when I felt Ok, before all of this started which would temporally bring me back to that "good place", so that I could touch it again. Slowly it all started to come back to me... piece by piece... moment by moment, and years later.

As far as self-talk goes, the main purpose was not only to and convince myself that I was going to be Ok, and better, but most importantly it helped me figure out who I really was. Going "back in time" helped me to a point, but even this method was not enough in my journey of finding my self. Since I had lost myself, I now had to re-learn who I was, and mainly who I wanted to become. I'd spent the majority of my time self-talking (in my head of course) soul searching, in a way I had no idea was possible. I was becoming aware of my inner-peace, my inner-connection, my inner joy, which surprisingly left more comforting than anything else I ever had or had always wanted.

Although my days weren't always pink, at times I felt lost, unsure, and afraid, but a voice inside of me insisted that I don't give up, no matter how long it was going to take me or how difficult it was. The next day I would look inside and find that strength again, and continue on. Letting go was simply not an option, but instead it became a motivation to reach a higher self, and of course to get through this. I thought to myself "oh boy this is going to be a long road, but if I ever make it I will be stronger than ever". I knew this was a part of my life's mission, I knew I had to go through this for a reason...

Consequently I came up with a fun game called, I'm sure you all guessed it, "Finding the missing pieces of the puzzle", where I had an imaginary puzzle in progress on my bedroom wall. Of course not literally, but I would add to it every aha moment I could get my hands on. This additional technique not only gave me strength, but it also made me realize that I was heading towards recovery, piece by piece. Doing this mental exercise also provided me with a great sense of awareness, and that I was in control over my mind, body and soul, thus life, although a work in progress, I knew it was only a matter of time before I could "breathe" normally again. I used to have many dreams, but now I have only one, achieving total peace of mind.

I made the choice of going natural vs. taking medication because it felt right for me. Being the sensitive person that I am, just thinking about being controlled under the influence of a medication scared the crap of out of me, so that was certainly not a good choice for me. Au contraire, I wanted to feel every pain, discomfort and symptoms, so that I would evaluate each moment and get linked back to the root, and possibly try and fix it, instead of being completely numbed. I did many researches on the subject and came up with my own techniques that seemed to have worked well for me, though I am well aware that they may not work for everyone, since we all have different perspectives, beliefs and mentality. As far as nutrition goes, eating clean has always been important to me, and although this wasn't a contributing factor in my case, I believe that it can be a strong indicator in other cases.

From my experience, the key element that helped me cope and still today defeating my anxiety and depression was to reconnect with myself, my identity, my soul. I was doing what I though was right for me but I was obviously doing it all wrong. I was so not aligned with my my highest good thus lost myself completely to the point where I "felt" disconnected, because I was. I felt "crazy" because my mind was also "going crazy". I felt stupid and worthless because I was doing worthless and stupid things. Here's a simple equation I like to refer to in harder times: "Soul Connects the Mind -> Mind Connects the Head -> Head Connects the Body = Soul". It's simple and effective when I feel not quite connected. A self-disconnection can lead to total catastrophe. Some people may not have had this experienced, but to those who have, I feel you.

Just like dealing with any addictions, it takes time, effort, understanding, dedication and discipline before we can see profound results. In my opinion, anxiety and depression are only a "state of mind", which we all know can be controlled with the power of our own will. Our minds just like our muscles can become damaged over time if not properly cared for, but with a bit of TLC and regular "training" we can see remarkable results.

Who would of thought I would experience something this frightening, something that felt so dark, lonely, devastating and so close to death, but let's not get ahead of ourselves, even the most Zen person who seems totally aligned, can be completely disconnected.

Today the sun is shining and that's really all that matters. I truly believe in miracles, let me tell you! I could be talking about my life struggles and whatnot for days, but for now I only wish to give you an insight on my struggles, my findings, key lessons and what I am doing today to keep sane, in hopes that one person can benefit from it. It's definitely not easy to put myself out there, but I know I'm not the only one, and I also know that everyone has a different story to tell.

The key lesson I took from this experience is that internal happiness is the most precious gift life has to offer, and that internal happiness is in fact a choice. Today I accept my suffering and am extremely grateful for it, because today I see it as a life changing experience to help me flourish and live a happier life. As hard as it may seem anxiety and depression are definitely curable, and although medication may help some, there are many other avenues to look into, which can also work beautifully. The question is, what are you looking to get out of it?

The most important thing you can do for yourself is to take any steps towards healing, because one step will lead you to the next, and sooner or later you will reach a happier place, but only if you choose not to give up.

The way you see my story is most likely different to how I am interpreting it. We all lived different paths, have received differently, wish for different things and see life differently, therefore there is no need to judge one's story or goal. instead we can listen and try to understand, because that may be all we can do.

Wishing you a full and long lasting recovery.

Méliane

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